every time i bring home an award
or a certificate
or a straight A report card

you say something along the lines of
“i’m sure _ did better than you”
or
“but _ also got an award; you’re not special”


this feeling of not being good enough
it hurts
it starts as a punch in the gut
as a result of me being proud of myself
and you violently extracting that pride out of me
strand by strand
after this procedure
it’s a sweltering feeling in my chest
like a million fires  
burning
aching
inside my heart
a desire to want to be good enough
to want to get your approval
to show you i’m the perfect daughter you so badly want me to be

then comes the disappointment
this is, quite possibly, the worst stage
it’s seeing that look in your eye
that look of dissatisfaction
the look of regret for bringing me into this world

if only i could be good enough

if only all these awards and straight A’s could be good enough for you

if only i could make myself good enough for you


but i can’t
and i doubt i ever will

and i’m sorry for that

- things i wish i could say to my mother pt 10