I let go.

I let go of her each time I sin.
I run away and close my eyes
And wake to the disgusting place I’m in.
I’ll never be good enough for her
And she doesn’t know.
Every sick thought through my head
When she goes.
You name the sin and I did it.
Can You take the shame while I’m in it?
Can you show me grace when I run to my always.

You search my heart and you see all I am.
You see the sin, and shame, the anger and hate.
God why do you say come when I can’t?
You know that I can’t.
I can’t see when it’s light out,
Because your grace isn’t enough to cover my doubt.
So I’m blind when your glory can show me the way.
So I’m crying and all the tears in my body can’t wash the pain away.
So I took those pills to change it.
I took those pills and they chased it.
All those people I talked to couldn’t see me OD in my basement.
All I wanted was the mercy of my brains splattered on the pavement.

I wish I could hear you.
God I wish I felt like I could come anywhere near you.
Jesus I wish I could do more than fear you.
I wish you could take the wheel and put my depression in the rear view.

Honestly I’d be fine leaving the world behind today.
I’d be fine if I didn’t have the strength to fight
And death broke down my door and took my life away,