In the end
we tasted like
bitter morning breath
hungover sour liquor

On brisk summer mornings
waking up
rolling over on to my right side
eyes opening slowly
only to find
we are lonely

my heart aching
Knowing
Knowing
that you'll be gone forever
I lost you long ago

But that's okay
i know better now
than to expect
a gentle knock
on my tender
heart walls
but rather to acknowledge
any sort of love
will come from
those walls being barreled down
My heart ravished
and left like roadkill
every
****
time

I'll build them
out of brick this time
because i think for a while
the straw gave me hope
that the people who came in
would not be as bad
as my experiences

i'm beginning
to believe
that in the end
you were still good
you were delicious
in the way that
didn't nourish me
rather you left blankets
of overeaten guilt on my
chest
stomach
thighs

When did this become about you?

and rather than screaming about
how much i loved you
i lied, gasping, spitting,
how dare you make me walk
back into that house
tears dripping down
your rough freckled cheeks
a spare bedroom full of promises
a backyard
with a swing
made intentionally
for me

I've been down on my knees
most days
writhing in self-doubt
wondering if letting you go
was a clean slate of my selfishness
or a righteous act of self-love

in any case
that empty bedroom
brought me wavering fantasies of
my lifeless body in the bathtub
wishing you hadn't
had the strength
to break the latch
on that bathroom door
i stopped going to that place
in fear that i'd like it too much there

oh, how we've tortured
one another
spoon feeding each other
poison
just so we'd stay
crazy enough
content enough
to remain in insanity together

In the end
at least we died together
only to be reborn
in a distant hell
of bitter morning breath
each day
reliving the worst days
of our own tortured divorce