So today I heard your name
and I hold my brain to blame
as it repeats and cheats on the sweet agreement we had
that there would be no more sad
no more bad and only happy and
none of you or your repeated name
none of you or your cheating game.

Oh brain, you ****,
you hurt when you spurt these words
we promised not to say or that name
you swore you'd stay away from.
That name that haunts me still but
will not be rid of; so sit up, listen up,
brain, I will not tell you again:
Just keep out of my head,
I've had enough of this monster beneath my bed.
Just keep out of my heart,
jolting me up at night like the electric jump-start-
Jump-started
by that name, the very same that I'd once gladly take but now I hate,
as hate is all that is left in the hole dug out of doubt in your name
and in who you were, as were is not who you are now,
but what you are now is somehow
who you always were: a liar.
And finally I see this and I finally don't miss
You.

And that's what makes hearing your name a poison
that seeps deep into my chest that I'm bent on dragging on
that I lean on, that will just never be gone
because now it fits amidst these lies.
And I hold my brain to blame
because my heart has given in,
because my heart can't be lived in the same after the way your name left it.
Just a dull ache sits but it fits more than you ever did.
But I'm training this brain not to recognize that horrid name and then it will be the same
as before you ever came,
but

Today I heard your name
and I guess I hold only myself to blame.