Jul 2018
Everything has an ending.
Today, my shift at work ended, and I walked to my car. On the way home, I listened to Balance and Composure, and I thought about their breakup a few months ago. Two years ago, my friend and I saw them at the Mohawk. I wish that I had known that it was going to be the first and last time I saw them live. I would have gone a little crazier, I would have stage dived, and I would have brushed up on the lyrics a little more.
On the drive home, I also had my window rolled down. The sunset looks prettier without glass in front of it. I thought about how days end, and how, on the end of this particular day, I didn't cry on the way home because my sadness had temporarily ended. I started thinking about the ending of more things.
High school had finally ended, and I had graduated. I was eighteen now, and being a child had ended as well. Friendships have ended, and there have been times when I wished that my ending would come sooner. There were times when I didn’t want to see another sunset, hear another morning dove, or get myself out of bed. There were times when I wished that I could drown in the crowded hallway’s sea of bodies. Sometimes, when I read I count how many pages there are between where I am and the end of the book. I wish that I could just be patient, enjoy things instead of worrying about when they’re going to end.
I think about the future too much. I think about the inevitable. I wish that I had known when the last time was going to be the last time.
I would have stage dived, I would have told you that I cared for you and made you understand that, I would have told you that I loved you, I would have spit in your face and told you to go to hell, and I would have gotten the courage to start a conversation with you instead of biting my tongue out of fear that I would say something stupid and stutter, like I do every time that I get nervous.
But I’ll keep the window rolled up so nobody has to listen to the music; if they don’t ask, then don’t tell. I’ll keep quiet. Does the end of something even matter if nobody cared enough to be a part of it’s journey?
Today, my shift at work ended, and I walked to my car. On the way home, I listened to Balance and Composure, and I thought about their breakup a few months ago. Two years ago, my friend and I saw them at the Mohawk. I wish that I had known that it was going to be the first and last time I saw them live. I would have gone a little crazier, I would have stage dived, and I would have brushed up on the lyrics a little more.
On the drive home, I also had my window rolled down. The sunset looks prettier without glass in front of it. I thought about how days end, and how, on the end of this particular day, I didn't cry on the way home because my sadness had temporarily ended. I started thinking about the ending of more things.
High school had finally ended, and I had graduated. I was eighteen now, and being a child had ended as well. Friendships have ended, and there have been times when I wished that my ending would come sooner. There were times when I didn’t want to see another sunset, hear another morning dove, or get myself out of bed. There were times when I wished that I could drown in the crowded hallway’s sea of bodies. Sometimes, when I read I count how many pages there are between where I am and the end of the book. I wish that I could just be patient, enjoy things instead of worrying about when they’re going to end.
I think about the future too much. I think about the inevitable. I wish that I had known when the last time was going to be the last time.
I would have stage dived, I would have told you that I cared for you and made you understand that, I would have told you that I loved you, I would have spit in your face and told you to go to hell, and I would have gotten the courage to start a conversation with you instead of biting my tongue out of fear that I would say something stupid and stutter, like I do every time that I get nervous.
But I’ll keep the window rolled up so nobody has to listen to the music; if they don’t ask, then don’t tell. I’ll keep quiet. Does the end of something even matter if nobody cared enough to be a part of it’s journey?
This is a longer, more prose-like piece, and it also has a more journal entry feel to it. This is just a train of thought that I had get out.
(19/F/Austin, TX)
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