(Trigger Warning/ Mentions of Suicide)

I am allergic to flowers but you are a flower that I have learned to love
I love you so much it scares me
I love you so much that I was blind for a while
I couldn't see the signs
I saw you hopscotch over cracks in the sidewalks... thought you were dancing
Saw you scratch at your skin... couldn't see you digging for intentional pain
Saw the way you stared at knives... didn't think you would use them to cut into your own body
I love you so much I went deaf for a while
Didn't hear the depression when you said you couldn't sleep and when you did it was for more than ten hours and when you woke up you were still tired but you couldn't go back to sleep or get out of bed
I'm sorry I didn't notice that you weren't happy often or ever
I'm sorry I couldn't hear you
I said I love you
But I can't help but blame myself
I should have said something sooner
Told a teacher
A friend
You
Before I could do anything you were taken away
I told myself it was for your own good,
it was temporary, that you'd be back soon

I love you so much
I forgot to eat for three days
Or I cried for three days or blamed myself for three days
Basically, I disassociated for three days

To be honest I love you but you scare me

I have a recurring dream that I get a call from your mother and she's in tears
and before she says anything I know why she called me

To say you jumped off a bridge
Or swallowed an entire bottle of pills
Or just to say that you died
Maybe she would spare me the details

(Please give critiques)