my thoughts are internal
I feel like I’m losing myself
I listen to music
I try to get well
I imagine living alone
I imagine living off the grid
I imagine a new life
and what it could have been
my birthday is almost here
and recently I’ve made it clear
my actions don’t prove to be sincere
my words are bombs
toxic and explosive words causing pain
and I stare and scare those I don’t like
because they cause my head to ache
I intimidate others who aren’t the same
the mental pages in my head
fill up with evil things said to me
my friends often flip
into my worst enemy
and my heart breaks apart
and I wait to start
until the next century
my love life
turns into a love lie
where I would rather lie
than to try
to be someone realistic
I morph into something complex
when all of me is simplistic
I seek another love to fill my heart
but still stuck on the last guy
that simply messed me up
and now I’m alone
can’t leave the house
that traps my feelings
and in bed when I’m asleep
I’m simply dreaming
and don’t have to deal with this reeling
and pulling pain possessing my soul
if you tell me you love me
I bet you I’m sold
pretend to know me
and I promise
in seconds you’ll make my smile show
it’s a bit pathetic
being a blinded romantic
especially one like me
who pushes away the panic
and realness
of how it feels to be broken
if you ask me about heart break
I’ll say I know it
but it’s a distant feeling
a lie that I’ll tell
so you don’t grasp
what it truly means to me
I’ll show you an angels wings
you’ll show me a venomous snakes teeth
I’ll tell you I’ve been happy lately
you’ll say I’ve been depressed all week
and it’ll prove to be true
if I only listen to you
and realize I’ve felt mentally and physically weak
and I’ll stream tears down my cheek
and provide you a washed out timeline
of why my thoughts have been so bleak
you’ll hear all my white lies
and I’ll ask you why people doing lines
seem so much happier than me
soon you’ll become tired of explaining
of what’s wrong with me entirely
I’ll tell you again of my life story
in its entirety
there’s a war zone in my mind
that never stops fighting
and when I sit alone
and listen to my music
it’s an escape to a new life
with a new vibe and new tune
where I live and exist
with a new mind and attitude
where the people around me
never seem angry
and always show gratitude
a new world
where my love life can flourish
and slowly that’s what I gravitate to
so don’t blame me for escaping
it’s a new mindset in the making
but I do apologize
for how I’ve been lately
my minds been scattered
since one friend said they hated me
been pressured to do more with myself
because soon I will no longer be eighteen
I’ll just live in a bubble for now
and if my birthday comes around
and I have no one around
I’ll spend it alone
with only myself to hold
and blow out the candles
and try to handle
how I truly feel inside
and think of my past failed relationship
and imagine how much better his birthday will be
especially since it’s without me
and I’ll simply vanish
and never cause commotion again
and just depend
on only myself
and either drown in my own tears
or figure my true self out