I scan to see your name pop up in my notifications
I hope to feel my phone vibrate with your text
I desire to hear you leave me one more message

But when I see your name, I have to look away
When I see your face, I have to shut it off
When I hear your voice, our song, your old messages, the pictures, the memories, the old places... I have to break down...

I see your name next to my picture
But it’s only satisfying for a moment,
And in that fleeting second of relief that you’ve seen my picture,
Despair and depression creep in and I’m left wanting that high again.

Your very name makes my heart sore and then come crashing down like a comet, burning up in earths atmosphere.

I can’t bare to talk to you, but can’t live without mentioning your name. I hate that you’ve become apart of who I am, but I don’t want to live apart from who you are.

I’ve become someone I’m not proud of, to become something I’m not.
I’ve tried to gain your attention, your affection, your hatred even, just for you to notice my existence.
But in trying to find you, I lost myself.

I’ve torn my clothes with grief, and shed tears of shear pain and sorrow.
I cannot get a grip on reality, but cannot let go of the past and the pain it brings to my future.

There are nights I  lay awake thinking of what could have been, but I am met with what wasn’t and what shouldn’t have been.
I lose sight of the future while I look back to get you, then trip over your scars you’ve left me with.  

All while you get a good nights sleep, and cuddle next to him... him. The one who says he loves you, and gets to keep you, and hold you. The one who doesn’t deserve your love.

But now, neither do i. In my attempt to gain your love, I threw out every chance to earn it. In my hatred towards losing you I gave up every opportunity to have you.  I will never be the same man, and you will never be the same woman.

You will go on to live without regret, and I’ll go on to live with you as my biggest. I wish you’d come back to me, but in my heart I know if you ever did, it isn’t the me you thought you’d find, it’s the me that is scarred and impure, after you broke my heart, chose to look away and let me die alone.