Nov 2012
I am 17 years old, sitting behind a computer in the dimly lit living room.
It is dark outside and I just arrived home from working a 9 hour shift.
My body is exhausted and my mind is even worse.
For some reason, it is completely silent in the house.
That kind of silence that is so loud.
The silence that doesn’t make sense.
A rare occurrence, and so I am not only bewildered by it,
but I am also somewhat frightened.
After 10 minutes, my mother walks in and quietly walks upstairs looking more worried than a man who is on his knees in a back alley with a gun pointed at his head.
My father follows her and climbs the stairs with a strained look on his face.
This is it.
This is the moment we’ve all waiting for.
This is when the world stops moving and the sun stops rising and the rain stops falling.
I hear the hushed whispers coming from my parents bedroom.
My mind tells me to run, to leave it all and never come back.
But my feet are glued to the ground, I cannot move no matter how hard I try.
My father walks down the stairs, the wood boards creaking beneath his weight.
He’s not a heavy man, but his broad shoulders and tall stature could scare any little kid.
He comes over to where I am sitting and kneels down beside me.
He tells me that he has cheated on my mom and is leaving for a while,
At least until everything gets “straightened out,” he says.
I’m sorry, but you could you please explain to me,
What the hell that means?
How do straighten out that kind crap?
He says he sorry and he knows he has messed up.
His rehearsed words spoken like an award winning actor.
I don’t believe a word of it.
This isn’t the first time and I can tell you right now, it isn’t the last.
Some kids are afraid of the day when their parents tell them they’re getting a divorce,
But that is a day I hope for.
I long for when my mom walks in my room and tells me dad’s leaving for good.
You see, he’s never touched me, and he’s never gotten violent.
He doesn’t drink uncontrollably and he’s generally pretty quiet.
But when my mother walks in and leans against the wall, the look on her face says it all.
Her cheeks streaked with dried tears.
Her face aged at least 10 more years.
She sinks into the wall
And he leaves.
An hour later.
I am lying on my bed in the dark with my head throbbing, unable to cry .
All I want is the salty taste of tears in my mouth
The sweet release from the burning pain in my eyes.
I am replaying the words spoken in my mind.
Whenever he comes home, I’ll lock myself in my room.
He won’t come upstairs and knock my door.
He’ll know I’ll need space.
I’ll never come out.
I’ll hide in the dark, because facing my fears is the only way I’ll know I’m still alive.
I have a question:
How do you tell a child that it’s all gonna be okay?
How do you look a kid in the face and tell him that even though father beats him every night,
The bruises will eventually fade?
Sorry kid, you might not have bruises, but you’ll definitely have scars.
How do you tell a teenage girl that the pain will pass?
How do you look her in face and tell her that even though she was *****, she’s luck she’s alive?
Sorry honey, you might not be dead, but you’ll have to deal with fear every time a man walks by.
How do you tell a women that God will understand?
How do you look her in the face and tell her that even though she just had an abortion, she’ll eventually forget the pain?
How do you tell your own mother that everything’s gonna be okay?
How can you look her in the face and tell her that he didn’t mean it?
When he cheated on you, he didn’t mean it.
How do you tell your little sister that dad will come home, when you know that she never wants to see him again?
How do you look someone that has driven a knife into your heart and tell them that you forgive them?
I think we overuse the word sorry.
I’m sorry I dropped that
I’m sorry I spilled that
I’m sorry I didn’t say that
I’m sorry I hurt you
I’m sorry I didn’t help you
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I think we also overuse the word okay
It’s okay
That’s okay
It’s all going to be okay
Okay okay okay
The worst thing someone has ever told me was,
Honey I’m sorry, but it’s all going to be okay.
And the best thing was,
You’ll have days when the pain is unbearable
When walking out your door is your biggest accomplishment
When getting out of bed means living
There will be days that you think you won’t make to the sunset
And there will be nights when you believe the sun will never rise
And one day you’ll look in his eyes
And tell him you forgive him
And on that day,
it might finally
be okay
It is dark outside and I just arrived home from working a 9 hour shift.
My body is exhausted and my mind is even worse.
For some reason, it is completely silent in the house.
That kind of silence that is so loud.
The silence that doesn’t make sense.
A rare occurrence, and so I am not only bewildered by it,
but I am also somewhat frightened.
After 10 minutes, my mother walks in and quietly walks upstairs looking more worried than a man who is on his knees in a back alley with a gun pointed at his head.
My father follows her and climbs the stairs with a strained look on his face.
This is it.
This is the moment we’ve all waiting for.
This is when the world stops moving and the sun stops rising and the rain stops falling.
I hear the hushed whispers coming from my parents bedroom.
My mind tells me to run, to leave it all and never come back.
But my feet are glued to the ground, I cannot move no matter how hard I try.
My father walks down the stairs, the wood boards creaking beneath his weight.
He’s not a heavy man, but his broad shoulders and tall stature could scare any little kid.
He comes over to where I am sitting and kneels down beside me.
He tells me that he has cheated on my mom and is leaving for a while,
At least until everything gets “straightened out,” he says.
I’m sorry, but you could you please explain to me,
What the hell that means?
How do straighten out that kind crap?
He says he sorry and he knows he has messed up.
His rehearsed words spoken like an award winning actor.
I don’t believe a word of it.
This isn’t the first time and I can tell you right now, it isn’t the last.
Some kids are afraid of the day when their parents tell them they’re getting a divorce,
But that is a day I hope for.
I long for when my mom walks in my room and tells me dad’s leaving for good.
You see, he’s never touched me, and he’s never gotten violent.
He doesn’t drink uncontrollably and he’s generally pretty quiet.
But when my mother walks in and leans against the wall, the look on her face says it all.
Her cheeks streaked with dried tears.
Her face aged at least 10 more years.
She sinks into the wall
And he leaves.
An hour later.
I am lying on my bed in the dark with my head throbbing, unable to cry .
All I want is the salty taste of tears in my mouth
The sweet release from the burning pain in my eyes.
I am replaying the words spoken in my mind.
Whenever he comes home, I’ll lock myself in my room.
He won’t come upstairs and knock my door.
He’ll know I’ll need space.
I’ll never come out.
I’ll hide in the dark, because facing my fears is the only way I’ll know I’m still alive.
I have a question:
How do you tell a child that it’s all gonna be okay?
How do you look a kid in the face and tell him that even though father beats him every night,
The bruises will eventually fade?
Sorry kid, you might not have bruises, but you’ll definitely have scars.
How do you tell a teenage girl that the pain will pass?
How do you look her in face and tell her that even though she was *****, she’s luck she’s alive?
Sorry honey, you might not be dead, but you’ll have to deal with fear every time a man walks by.
How do you tell a women that God will understand?
How do you look her in the face and tell her that even though she just had an abortion, she’ll eventually forget the pain?
How do you tell your own mother that everything’s gonna be okay?
How can you look her in the face and tell her that he didn’t mean it?
When he cheated on you, he didn’t mean it.
How do you tell your little sister that dad will come home, when you know that she never wants to see him again?
How do you look someone that has driven a knife into your heart and tell them that you forgive them?
I think we overuse the word sorry.
I’m sorry I dropped that
I’m sorry I spilled that
I’m sorry I didn’t say that
I’m sorry I hurt you
I’m sorry I didn’t help you
I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I think we also overuse the word okay
It’s okay
That’s okay
It’s all going to be okay
Okay okay okay
The worst thing someone has ever told me was,
Honey I’m sorry, but it’s all going to be okay.
And the best thing was,
You’ll have days when the pain is unbearable
When walking out your door is your biggest accomplishment
When getting out of bed means living
There will be days that you think you won’t make to the sunset
And there will be nights when you believe the sun will never rise
And one day you’ll look in his eyes
And tell him you forgive him
And on that day,
it might finally
be okay
