Here I am, sitting on the sidelines
I watch them jump and play
Longing to join them, I watch closer
When I close my eyes, I can picture myself
Being like them, exactly who I feel I am
But my world doesn’t work like that
My path was chosen, my wants kept secret
So here I am, sitting on the sidelines
Waiting for coach to put me back in
My eyes wander up to the stands, where my father sits waiting
Waiting for his star to emerge. Thinking I’m happy
Sometimes I wish he would understand,
And sometimes I wonder if I would even tell
Him what really makes me happy?
It’s not Football, or Track, or being Mr. Popular
I have never been a man’s man at heart
Here, deep inside, I am more than that
Deep down locked away where no one can see
Is a heart that aches, and a brain that doesn’t fit
I’m not the man they wanted me to be
Because I don’t want to be a ****
Like those guys I call my friends, who use and abuse
Who care not for a beautiful mind
But a beautiful behind
Here I am, sitting on the sidelines
Made to lie about who I am
Forced to find no joy, no peace
I want to join the book club and
Paint beautiful pictures in many bright colors
I never said I was smart but I know who I am not
Sitting here, Is not who I am
I hear the crowd cheer and glance up at them
As my huge family roars with pride
Coach taps my shoulder, drawing me back
I run onto the field and take my position
Calling out plays, waiting to catch the ball
I fake left, like I faked all my life
I fake right, like all those times to my dad
Finally the ball releases from my hand
In a perfect spiral straight to number 24
I stand and listen for my dad’s voice
“That’s my boy” as my stomach clenches with hurt
My mind fills with regret and I know what to do
The crowd explodes in uproar as number 24
Reaches the end zone, happy as ever, as himself
I look up at my father, he looks so proud
I know who I am and this is not it
I walk off the field away from the crowd
“That’s my boy” no more, I’m gay and proud of it