I lost the 10lbs I wanted to.
I'm at a healthy BMI.
I don't starve myself, I've lucky genetics
I work hard, I exercise on days off.
But now I want to be 115lbs, beautiful,
With a voice like Karen Carpenter,
And a heart as careless as the weather
I want to work hard to understand the long hours my ex worked,
Though my mom reminds me she worked much harder, longer hours, 16 to my 12.
I want to be as exciting and vapid and beautiful as the girls you like
Though that's not why you don't want me, and I'll never be
As beautiful as they.
I want to be as capable and desirable as others would have had me be
In order to have kept me,
When they never would have wanted to keep me anyway.
I want me to be everything they wanted me to be because
The reality that they just didn't want me is too heartbreaking
And my heart's too broken to keep living with rejection for just being me.
So I'll keep wasting away until I'm so thin and perfect I just slip out
Of existence.