I’m caught up in a cacophony
a mix of jarring noises sounding all at once
Your voice drowned out by hateful screams
reminding me of choices that make me
forget that You ever loved me
I wring my hands tight
with every single fight
that I watch myself lose again
and again
and again
and again
and my sin whispers words that
fall like anvils dropped from
the empire state building
and that cacophony gets that much louder.
And I come to find I certainly lack the power
to do anything that seems even of the slightest worth
to me, to you, to everyone that I threw away
because those anvils that hit me yesterday
hit me just a little too hard and
I don't want to get hit again because
I just might die next time.
My memory offers me nothing but unrest as my
conscience is put to the
test that I keep forgetting that I’m supposed to study for
and it's easy to blame it on the dog because it ate my textbook
or at least I say that because I don't want to look
at the words of life that I come to find only condemn me
for all the things I know I was supposed to do right the first time.
Because at first I think I knew
that You were the only one who was worth it
worth all my devotion and energy
and at one point I think I was blissfully caught up
in what sounded like a symphony
that in spite of the giant mess that was my life the Creator of the universe was somehow madly in love with me.
But now all I seem to do
is wonder why I can't hear the melody
only ever feeling guilty
that the grand staff where you wrote that symphony
strikes nerves instead of chords
leaving me feeling depressed, broken and even bored
and instead of a song I see an impossible score
that I'm sure I could never perform
well enough to feel like I was worthy of Your love.
But the person you sang to back then
I'm pretty sure he hated you
deeply longing for his sin
that he was head-over-heels for
a nightmare he said was his best friend.
And Lord I wish I could say all of this in the past tense
But my pretense can only go so far
you have scars for things I did today on your hands and feet!
And the noise of this reality hits me so hard that I can hardly breathe
Let alone begin to see that you never stopped playing the symphony.
Instead of striking me dead where I stand
and pouring out all the wrath you can
It makes so much more sense
That you should take my life
to make me pay the ultimate price
Jesus, You never did anything wrong
It should have been me, but in that song...
The lyric rings “Jesus paid it all.”
Oh Lord, how I long
that the cacophony
be drowned out by Your symphony
that I would hear every curse
Reorchestrated instead to sing of mercy
That every anvil that falls
in a hope to fell me
would be cast into the infinite sea
of grace where my body was buried
and it was!
The old me is dead and done
Yesterday is a memory and no longer
what I'm doomed to become
because the price You paid
I confess, God, it's enough.