I’m caught up in a cacophony a mix of jarring noises sounding all at once Your voice drowned out by hateful screams reminding me of choices that make me forget that You ever loved me
I wring my hands tight with every single fight that I watch myself lose again and again and again and again and my sin whispers words that fall like anvils dropped from the empire state building and that cacophony gets that much louder.
And I come to find I certainly lack the power to do anything that seems even of the slightest worth to me, to you, to everyone that I threw away because those anvils that hit me yesterday hit me just a little too hard and I don't want to get hit again because I just might die next time.
My memory offers me nothing but unrest as my conscience is put to the test that I keep forgetting that I’m supposed to study for and it's easy to blame it on the dog because it ate my textbook or at least I say that because I don't want to look at the words of life that I come to find only condemn me for all the things I know I was supposed to do right the first time.
Because at first I think I knew that You were the only one who was worth it worth all my devotion and energy and at one point I think I was blissfully caught up in what sounded like a symphony that in spite of the giant mess that was my life the Creator of the universe was somehow madly in love with me.
But now all I seem to do is wonder why I can't hear the melody only ever feeling guilty that the grand staff where you wrote that symphony strikes nerves instead of chords leaving me feeling depressed, broken and even bored and instead of a song I see an impossible score that I'm sure I could never perform well enough to feel like I was worthy of Your love.
But the person you sang to back then I'm pretty sure he hated you deeply longing for his sin that he was head-over-heels for a nightmare he said was his best friend. And Lord I wish I could say all of this in the past tense But my pretense can only go so far you have scars for things I did today on your hands and feet! And the noise of this reality hits me so hard that I can hardly breathe Let alone begin to see that you never stopped playing the symphony.
Instead of striking me dead where I stand and pouring out all the wrath you can It makes so much more sense That you should take my life to make me pay the ultimate price Jesus, You never did anything wrong It should have been me, but in that song...
The lyric rings “Jesus paid it all.”
Oh Lord, how I long that the cacophony be drowned out by Your symphony that I would hear every curse Reorchestrated instead to sing of mercy That every anvil that falls in a hope to fell me would be cast into the infinite sea of grace where my body was buried and it was!
The old me is dead and done Yesterday is a memory and no longer what I'm doomed to become because the price You paid
I confess, God, it's enough.
Rewrite of an earlier piece. Tried to be a little more honest.