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[ Titleless ]

In these times
i believed so distant
to be non-existent
i dread life

i say i love him 
making him my life 
sounds so cliche 

i wish i could say such at this moment 
i was so sure
it feels so far 
that first time we smiled 
though many miles apart 
i believed him to be my life 
feeling his light so near 
as an embrace of my lover 

these times are the keys
to the locked part of my mind 
the ones i enter 
and see all the photos of my memories

the room of grief 
upon agony as my tears swell up
as everything i believed in comes to mind 
and crashing like the ocean tide back at me 
not to embrace me 
with such light anymore 

i feel like ive gone in a circle ive always seen
i want to trust 
yet i remain crying 
upon this room 
i want to be free 
but i cant move....

my eyes submerged into the photos of my memories
my father getting stabbed...
my grandfather dying 
seeing things others find nuts
being put through abuse of life 
and father 

i begin to wonder why am i alive
as the rooms shift 
a blank white wall
all too normal to belief 
yet all i can do stare

hospital 
the word that comes to mind 
taints my eyes as the white becomes
a blinding light 
and a hospital bed is all i see
staring down at my hands all i can see is my heros hand
cold 

insanity takes grasp once more 
as it shows me like a lost puppy 
the direction
as another who i believed in 
but died...
all i felt was fear as my wrists became scarred 
and a knife dug into my back

i lie there 
pondering if i wanted to truly die
and if i still do 
as reality comes back
among my sight restored
to the white ceiling of my room
i see blood splattered on my room 
and believe such to be true in due time

if this fears you 
brings to tears or anger 
my apologises 
as this is written as feelings of my reality

trying to understand me is to accept this 
to realize what i see is glitter and rainbows
to see i am scared
and not to disappear 
to love me is to be the guiding hand 
to be near me you must see 
i am much weaker 
than put out to be

if such is not alright my apologises
as my silence will be 
as a probability of fear 
my words become of distant memory 
as many 
disappear
with this i must say goodbye as the belief 
in my mind 
is to speak it 
but the walls block such 
as once be stated 
love me as me 
then further to understand me 
will be soon of greater truth