Existential lag slowly tunes in and I'm "awake", aware, astounded that I'm laying there while I look at me, because ******,  I should be dead again, and I'm not, and that's just the first thing I hate as I begin another cycle of light after another nightmarish craze... my body is heavy and sinking as it floats on top of my sheets, and I kick my covers off to avoid my own body heat because I hate myself that much... despising half-heartedly that I'm alive, with false memories of things that make me hate others as well, ever accumulating within my minds eye.. what's the ******* point of waking to a battle with my fate? I'll lose in time, even though it doesn't exist, so why persist? My resistence is futile, so I crawl out of my comfortable bed with guilt that I have a comfortable bed, and trudge my way to the bathroom to brush my teeth because I don't want anyone smelling the alcohol still residing within me, and I stare at the shower once more, know it will feel glorious, yet undeserved.. so I procrastinate, I withhold from me, everything except my insane need, and I drift further down my own rabbit hole to find out that it wasn't a rabbit at all, but a horrific beast holding ***** in front of me to coax me, and now I'm trapped again in the loop of uncertainty, is this the day I fall apart? Is this the day I no longer am functioning, and go on a binge where my soul disappears again into places unknown that resemble hell, at least I think.. maybe that's just an assumption, because it feels that way, so as I continue on with another day, I fight this gorilla on my neck, trying to burrow into my lizard brain as a trojan horse coup d'é·tat of my heart.. and if I give in I will disappear again as my loved ones weep, so I keep my eyes open in hopes this time I will win, though I doubt it... the cycle just repeats.