So for the first time
I think I might be consciously aware
of my fear.

Not the feeling of fear, exactly,
but what it is (exactly) that I fear.
I think I know, in a vague sort of way
that I am afraid of endings.

I find myself avoiding my study notes for end of year finals,
not because I think I'll do badly,
(I am confident in A's and B's)
but because it signals a point of no return.

And I'm not afraid of all endings, I don't think.
Leastwise, I'm not afraid of dying.
(Death is the ultimate end, right?)

I just don't want this year to end.
I don't want to graduate,
but I don't want to drop out.
I want to stay in school and keep learning,
continuously,
my future fast approaching and never arriving.

I know I'll fail to keep in touch with friends when summer starts,
so I'll have to start from scratch like I do every year,
and I hate it. I hate it so much, but it never changes.

I know I'll slip into a drowsy, half-awake state day after school end
and this terrifies me,
because I don't know if I'll come back after.
It'd be like being trapped in limbo.

I want to be successful.
I want to grow up, maybe start a family.
At some point I want to live my future,
but can I live in this moment for now?
Can't I move on when I'm ready?

Maybe my real fear is that I'll never be ready.

h.f.m.