Jun 2018
As I sat down on the concrete steps waiting to be picked up
It started sprinkling rain
Then it stopped
And the sky cleared up somewhat
But I kinda hoped it would rain so I could feel a sense of reveal
So I could see what was really real
I wanted the rain to pour down my face and I wanted to feel like a true disgrace
For a moment I just wanted to dwell in my pain
And yell silently in vain
see I'm always trying to connect the lines
Forget about the dots
But at the moment
I wanted to take the sharpest pair of scissors and disconnect every line I saw
For a moment I wanted to be the queen of hate
Step on the oceans bottom plate
crack open the earth
And destroy all god could create
All that he could ever make
I really wanted to dwell in my hatred hoping that something in me would awaken I wanted to lather myself in the thought
That almost everything I had ever loved had been taken
~Moms a drugy
Thinks it's okay to treat her body like a **** store a sell it
She beat us
Struggled to fed us
No matter how many times she threw my head into a wall
No matter how many times she would make me and my little brother fall
I still loved her
Over it all
I didn't know what else to think
At 5 years of old
I didn't have a mind of my own
When I lived with my father
I learned he wasn't one to holler
He wasn't completely like my mother
Sometimes he would try to drink his pain away
Like it would be there one day and gone next
But he had a hard time figuring out that that's not how life works
He started beating me and god did it hurt
But I always stayed in trouble because I wanted daddy's attention
All I wanted was for him to act like he could listen
But he just drank his beer
Tried to swallow his pain and make it disappear
Every pill my momma took
And every drink my dad had
I swear today it drives me mad
At that moment I didn't want to feel
I just wanted a moment to let the pain of my past wash over me
I had to snap out of it
and ask God to take control of me
I just wanna find out who I'm really supposed to be
so I need moments like these to continue to come by as the, please
It started sprinkling rain
Then it stopped
And the sky cleared up somewhat
But I kinda hoped it would rain so I could feel a sense of reveal
So I could see what was really real
I wanted the rain to pour down my face and I wanted to feel like a true disgrace
For a moment I just wanted to dwell in my pain
And yell silently in vain
see I'm always trying to connect the lines
Forget about the dots
But at the moment
I wanted to take the sharpest pair of scissors and disconnect every line I saw
For a moment I wanted to be the queen of hate
Step on the oceans bottom plate
crack open the earth
And destroy all god could create
All that he could ever make
I really wanted to dwell in my hatred hoping that something in me would awaken I wanted to lather myself in the thought
That almost everything I had ever loved had been taken
~Moms a drugy
Thinks it's okay to treat her body like a **** store a sell it
She beat us
Struggled to fed us
No matter how many times she threw my head into a wall
No matter how many times she would make me and my little brother fall
I still loved her
Over it all
I didn't know what else to think
At 5 years of old
I didn't have a mind of my own
When I lived with my father
I learned he wasn't one to holler
He wasn't completely like my mother
Sometimes he would try to drink his pain away
Like it would be there one day and gone next
But he had a hard time figuring out that that's not how life works
He started beating me and god did it hurt
But I always stayed in trouble because I wanted daddy's attention
All I wanted was for him to act like he could listen
But he just drank his beer
Tried to swallow his pain and make it disappear
Every pill my momma took
And every drink my dad had
I swear today it drives me mad
At that moment I didn't want to feel
I just wanted a moment to let the pain of my past wash over me
I had to snap out of it
and ask God to take control of me
I just wanna find out who I'm really supposed to be
so I need moments like these to continue to come by as the, please
©makayla bailey
