Jun 2018
INSTRUCTIONS.
- Answer all questions. If you do not, please state why not. Failure to answer all questions will result in a fine of several thousand pounds (or whichever currency is used in your country), a pack of mints or a bottle of cider.
- Use black ink or black ball point pen or a purple crayon.
- You must not use a dictionary, unless the word ‘dictionary’ is spelt wrong on the cover.
- The maximum mark for this paper is 2,018.
- You are reminded of the need for good English (or whichever language you speak) and clear presentation in your answers. Illegible answers will result in a mark of minus 2,018.
- You are advised to spend between thirty minutes and no more than a period of eighty years on this questionnaire.
- Do not confer with anybody else in the room. If you find this difficult, move to an empty room or do not complete this questionnaire.
1. Can you do without your phone for twenty-four hours? Explain if you can or cannot, giving the make of your phone alongside the name of the last person you texted.
2. Is reality TV more important than politics? If so, name the last such television show you watched, its running time and the station it is on, as well as the name of your country’s leader at the time of your birth.
3. Does social media make you feel worse, not better? If not, please post a status on Facebook alongside an emoji of your choosing, explaining what you think of this questionnaire so far.
4. How many children do you have by twenty-five? If you have none, please state the number of times you have been asked if you have children yet.
5. Do you know the father/mother of each one? If you have no children yet, please skip this question.
6. Can you point out the nearest city to you on a map? If you can, well done and please move on. If not, please find the nearest atlas and leave a black dot on the bottom corner of the page that you believe shows the nearest city to your home.
7. Can you remember a time before Snapchat? If you can, explain in detail what it was like. Take care with punctuation, sentence structure, and grammar. Inaccuracies will be penalised.
8. What is love, really, to you? If you struggle with this question, please come back to it within two decades of the present time.
9. When was the last time you read a book and enjoyed it? Please note that a blog is not considered literature and you may be penalised if you choose to name one.
10. When was the last time you wrote a letter? If you are unsure, please see the attachment to this questionnaire which gives you a step-by-step guide to completing one.
11. Do you speak to people in person anymore? If you do not, please leave the room you are in and come back before the end of the day, explaining how your conversation or conversations went.
12. Do your parents know how you actually feel? Please bear in mind that, as your parents, they ought to know.
13. School’s not as bad as the real world, is it? If you are unaware of what the real world is like, you are advised to find out. If you have some knowledge of the real world, please elucidate on what the real world actually means.
14. Fishing for Instagram likes is a waste of time, don’t you agree? If you so wish, please write your social media links below, alongside the date you posted your most liked image and how many comments it received.
15. Why are you so obsessed with your looks? If necessary, please use the mirror and beauty magazines provided to produce a more accurate response. It is recommended you name your favourite Victoria’s Secret model.
16. Will you listen to a Kardashian more than your best friend? If you answer yes, please name the Kardashian you most admire and why your best friend is not as impressive.
17. Would you be able to cope on your own? To answer this effectively, ask everybody else in the room to leave for at least seven days.
18. Are you sure you know how to use a semi-colon? You should be aware a semi-colon is not to be confused with a colon.
19. Is Twitter being down the worst thing that could happen? If Twitter is down as you come to this question, please wait until it is working again before you answer.
20. Since when has fitting in been the best thing to do? Alternatively, write down your drug of choice alongside your favourite alternative-rock band active from 1992-1996.
21. Why are please and thank you now a goodbye and a gun? You are invited to search every student’s bag if you have concerns.
22. Is a cartoon character the president yet? If not, state which cartoon character would be best for the job.
23. Do you know you can’t avoid growing up? Please glue a current photograph of yourself alongside an image of yourself aged sixty in the space below.
24. Isn’t most of what you read a pack of lies? If you believe this questionnaire to be full of lies, you can scrunch it up into a ball and recycle it as soon as you’ve finished.
25. Whatever happened to that best friend of yours? The best way to answer is to find them.
26. How many people have you slept with in the past year? If necessary, use the calculator provided. If zero, please make sure that this is correct.
27. Can you remember their names? Take care with spelling, and be sure to mention their birthdate and father’s occupation.
28. Is it really depression or just what you want to call it? Please search Wikipedia for another suitable term if you stumble over this question.
29. When was the last positive news story? Tune in to your local or national news station and wait for such a story before answering.
30. How are you managing without your phone? If you are using it now, please state the number of apps you have downloaded and the current battery percentage.
31. How did you find this questionnaire? Please rate your experience on a scale of one to three hundred and fourteen, or if you prefer, on a scale of black to white, apple to orange, or Mr. Potato Head to Daenerys Targaryen.
Upon completion, unless you have choose to destroy your questionnaire (see question twenty-four), please seal your responses alongside these papers into a large envelope addressed to yourself, and post it first class by no later than nine o’clock tomorrow morning.
- Answer all questions. If you do not, please state why not. Failure to answer all questions will result in a fine of several thousand pounds (or whichever currency is used in your country), a pack of mints or a bottle of cider.
- Use black ink or black ball point pen or a purple crayon.
- You must not use a dictionary, unless the word ‘dictionary’ is spelt wrong on the cover.
- The maximum mark for this paper is 2,018.
- You are reminded of the need for good English (or whichever language you speak) and clear presentation in your answers. Illegible answers will result in a mark of minus 2,018.
- You are advised to spend between thirty minutes and no more than a period of eighty years on this questionnaire.
- Do not confer with anybody else in the room. If you find this difficult, move to an empty room or do not complete this questionnaire.
1. Can you do without your phone for twenty-four hours? Explain if you can or cannot, giving the make of your phone alongside the name of the last person you texted.
2. Is reality TV more important than politics? If so, name the last such television show you watched, its running time and the station it is on, as well as the name of your country’s leader at the time of your birth.
3. Does social media make you feel worse, not better? If not, please post a status on Facebook alongside an emoji of your choosing, explaining what you think of this questionnaire so far.
4. How many children do you have by twenty-five? If you have none, please state the number of times you have been asked if you have children yet.
5. Do you know the father/mother of each one? If you have no children yet, please skip this question.
6. Can you point out the nearest city to you on a map? If you can, well done and please move on. If not, please find the nearest atlas and leave a black dot on the bottom corner of the page that you believe shows the nearest city to your home.
7. Can you remember a time before Snapchat? If you can, explain in detail what it was like. Take care with punctuation, sentence structure, and grammar. Inaccuracies will be penalised.
8. What is love, really, to you? If you struggle with this question, please come back to it within two decades of the present time.
9. When was the last time you read a book and enjoyed it? Please note that a blog is not considered literature and you may be penalised if you choose to name one.
10. When was the last time you wrote a letter? If you are unsure, please see the attachment to this questionnaire which gives you a step-by-step guide to completing one.
11. Do you speak to people in person anymore? If you do not, please leave the room you are in and come back before the end of the day, explaining how your conversation or conversations went.
12. Do your parents know how you actually feel? Please bear in mind that, as your parents, they ought to know.
13. School’s not as bad as the real world, is it? If you are unaware of what the real world is like, you are advised to find out. If you have some knowledge of the real world, please elucidate on what the real world actually means.
14. Fishing for Instagram likes is a waste of time, don’t you agree? If you so wish, please write your social media links below, alongside the date you posted your most liked image and how many comments it received.
15. Why are you so obsessed with your looks? If necessary, please use the mirror and beauty magazines provided to produce a more accurate response. It is recommended you name your favourite Victoria’s Secret model.
16. Will you listen to a Kardashian more than your best friend? If you answer yes, please name the Kardashian you most admire and why your best friend is not as impressive.
17. Would you be able to cope on your own? To answer this effectively, ask everybody else in the room to leave for at least seven days.
18. Are you sure you know how to use a semi-colon? You should be aware a semi-colon is not to be confused with a colon.
19. Is Twitter being down the worst thing that could happen? If Twitter is down as you come to this question, please wait until it is working again before you answer.
20. Since when has fitting in been the best thing to do? Alternatively, write down your drug of choice alongside your favourite alternative-rock band active from 1992-1996.
21. Why are please and thank you now a goodbye and a gun? You are invited to search every student’s bag if you have concerns.
22. Is a cartoon character the president yet? If not, state which cartoon character would be best for the job.
23. Do you know you can’t avoid growing up? Please glue a current photograph of yourself alongside an image of yourself aged sixty in the space below.
24. Isn’t most of what you read a pack of lies? If you believe this questionnaire to be full of lies, you can scrunch it up into a ball and recycle it as soon as you’ve finished.
25. Whatever happened to that best friend of yours? The best way to answer is to find them.
26. How many people have you slept with in the past year? If necessary, use the calculator provided. If zero, please make sure that this is correct.
27. Can you remember their names? Take care with spelling, and be sure to mention their birthdate and father’s occupation.
28. Is it really depression or just what you want to call it? Please search Wikipedia for another suitable term if you stumble over this question.
29. When was the last positive news story? Tune in to your local or national news station and wait for such a story before answering.
30. How are you managing without your phone? If you are using it now, please state the number of apps you have downloaded and the current battery percentage.
31. How did you find this questionnaire? Please rate your experience on a scale of one to three hundred and fourteen, or if you prefer, on a scale of black to white, apple to orange, or Mr. Potato Head to Daenerys Targaryen.
Upon completion, unless you have choose to destroy your questionnaire (see question twenty-four), please seal your responses alongside these papers into a large envelope addressed to yourself, and post it first class by no later than nine o’clock tomorrow morning.
Written: June 2018.
Explanation: Is this a poem? I'm not sure, but I enjoyed writing it. The 'instructions' are very loosely based on those seen on the front covers of various British examination papers for teenagers. All references to social media, names (such as 'Wikipedia' and 'Kardashian') should need no explanation to readers, though to avoid confusion, 'Victoria's Secret' is a design company noted for its lingerie and various models, while 'Daenerys Targaryen' is a character portrayed by Emilia Clarke in the television series Game of Thrones.
Explanation: Is this a poem? I'm not sure, but I enjoyed writing it. The 'instructions' are very loosely based on those seen on the front covers of various British examination papers for teenagers. All references to social media, names (such as 'Wikipedia' and 'Kardashian') should need no explanation to readers, though to avoid confusion, 'Victoria's Secret' is a design company noted for its lingerie and various models, while 'Daenerys Targaryen' is a character portrayed by Emilia Clarke in the television series Game of Thrones.
