Pacing the room
Talking to myself
Cursing under my breath

My written words turn me into a monster
Someone who I'm not
I'm someone else when I write
I'm still that person you used to love

That's the difference between
1. Thought
     And
2. Action

(Is it a sin to think awful things or only when you act on those thoughts?)

I would never voice these thoughts I have
Have I ever?
The simple answer is
No
Never

As long as I've been writing
I never say these things out loud
Why?
Because I know they're wrong
Hurtful
But keeping it all inside
To build up and boil over
I can't do that anymore
It's lead me to bad places

I write my thought out instead of self harming myself
The scars I have only remind me of the past
Writing it down leaves no scars
I write it out and it's no longer thought about
Forgotten
Out and over with
It's a healthy way to release emotions
Bleeding out emotions felt better
I wish I could still be doing that

But I can't do that to my family anymore
2 years of hiding it
Wearing pants in 90 degree weather
I gave up swimming at the lake
People became suspicious

I lost it one day
Balling my eyes clean out of my head
My mom actually asked me what was wrong
I choked
I couldn't spit it out
I finally showed her
Confessed that I'm ******
And that I don't want to be ****** up anymore

Shove pills down my throat
That'll make it all better
Wrong

Saying things out loud makes them real
Hence the reason I keep all my crazy thoughts to myself
They're not real
They're just floating around in my head
Waiting to be put on paper

I'm an ******* for feeling this way
Not because I treated you a certain way
I always treated you the best I possibly could when we were together
If you say other wise
Then you're lying
You and you're people are artsy
It's a wonder why you don't understand

You've mistaken me as this person you just met
You forgot about the person you actually knew and loved
You threw that person away
And now you look at me like I'm some bad person
All because of these words I write

I'm a good person
I promise