i wish it didn't hurt
and i wish i didn't have to distract myself in order to not feel aching in my chest
i wish i didn't have to get caught up in boring movies
i wish the urge to punch something turned into a craving to eat because i need to eat. but i can't.
i wish i could listen to music and not think of us sitting in your car arguing over the radio
i wish my heart didn't race when i get a notification
and i wish you didn't do that sly smile you know i like when you know i'm looking
i wish you didn't tug on my heart like puppets on a string
i wish you didn't move on and give your love to someone else
and i wish you were willing to try even half as bad as i want to right now
i wish you look at the stars and think of me because you know i'm a dreamer
but you laughed when i told you that
and i wish that night i fell so deeply in love with your smile i stayed home
and i wish you didn't grab my hand and kiss me and make me fall right into you like liquid into a cup
i should've stayed home
that night
that night i should've stayed
home
i wish you had a heart like mine that trusted you
i wish i didn't have to try to find someone else to love because i have an empty gap where you rested your head and people telling me i don't need someone are only told from those who haven't spent the loneliest of nights alone
i wish i didn't go to your games and meet your family and talk about homecoming because i knew it was all just part time happiness
and this contract would soon expire and the ink would blot and id be the one cleaning up the mess on the kitchen floor
and i wish you wouldn't answer when i call you crying at 4 am ut god i wish you didn't ignore me either
and i wish we weren't best friends because it was the easiest thing to do but we did it and had conversations about god knows what but that was us and that was ours
i wish i didn't need to wear skirts and redo my makeup until it's perfect because just MAYBE you will look at me and want me back
i wish you didn't get high and i wish you didn't drink and i wish you would tell me the truth because your slurs only had me dazed and confused and you were the sober one
i wish i can learn that i'm going to be okay but but i'm not because heartache after heartache is supposed to lead me to my prince charming but all my frogs seem to be less and less then the prince i want
i wish i wasn't jealous of the girls who draw pink hearts and bright smiles
i wish i didn't text you when i thought enough was enough and i wish that i could wake up without sharp pains when i remember it wasn't a dream and this is real. it's all too real.
i wish you didn't hang out with your friends and you should text me. you should text me.
i wish the ache in my chest would fade and the memories of you would shatter and my throat wouldn't grow tight and my eyes wouldn't burn and the crave i get with tears in my eyes as i lay in bed gagging would just stop for one second
i wish i never fell in love with a boy they said would hurt me
i wish i didn't believe him when he said i am the one
i wish i didn't open my heart and fall in love to know it was only going to be broken and i'd be alone again
i'd be left in the dark with fake friends and a moon that follows me until i wake
i wish i didn't learn your smell and the way you write your j's
i wish i could look up and say i'm going to be okay without choking on my own tears
but mostly... i wish you would feel what i feel right now
because years later

i'm still weak.
and i will never learn that no matter what

i can wish

i can wish and wish but it will never be enough to make you love me again.

i cannot make you love me.