the restlessness aches in my arms and shoots straight through to the tips of my fingers

i clench my hands together to relieve some of the tension,
fists of pure frustration
it is like my blood is moving faster through me,
telling my body to get up and go
…go wherever my feet take me.

there’s no need to get ready for this journey, or pack
it just needs to happen
i just need to let go.

i scrunch my toes and scrunch my nose,
a deliberate distraction.
my eyes squeeze together in agony
but i’m not in pain,
i’m in want.

i want to do something that i can’t
and that hurts more than any physical ache ever could.

it is an internal struggle with my body, my heart and my brain

my brain says:
‘no, you do not have the money or courage to get off of your *** and do something different. finish what you have started and then you can go. just wait another day, another month, another year.’

my heart says:
‘leave, leave, leave. get the HELL out of here! NOW!’

my body sends mixed signals:
‘my heart is pumping, my blood is racing but my feet aren’t moving’

i calm myself down,
because i know one day these three parts of me will work together in unison
and my brain will let me have what i want, my heart will smile and my feet will move.