in which i wake up one morning
and find myself no longer cold and starved
in need of the warmth radiating from your eyes

or at least find you
a beautiful still
a video stuck on repeat
of the rise and fall of your chest
so hypnotizing i'd fall in love you at every
inhale;
exhale;

sleep suited you so well
when you were no longer stagnant and rigid
sharp lines melted into the mattress
and water was left to move
as it was meant to be

partially i'd hoped distance would blur every memory
every instinct to be close to you
but i'd begun by having nightmares so bleak
i saw you everywhere in the waking hours
behind my eyelids and right in front of me;
it'd become so distracting i could never really tell when you were truly there
tangible and so authentically you;

then i'd had the dreams
that have burned into my memory
and left a beautiful scar
that i would secretly love to wear with pride
in which some spectacular instance would make you realize
beautiful girls come in so many shapes
and perhaps i could be the beautiful girl
with whom you were enamored
it seemed real because i'd memorized every kiss you'd carelessly throw in my direction,
no matter how fleeting, it was your skin nonetheless
and i cherished it and twisted it into a beautiful tragedy
a real tragedy because i knew i could love you all the same.

then i wake up;
the rise and fall of your chest
the rise and fall of your chest
i think
if i say the words enough they will lose the gut-wrenching impact
and i'll no longer feel this dulled pain
that follows me wherever i go.