Honestly I can't hold my own with drugs, I don't like that out-of-body rush, my mind's already expanded too much.

Sometimes it's like a hamster on a little wheel, I have to keep it running smoothly or I start to feel a little unhinged.

Now that I think about it, that's probably why the family hobby is binge-drinking, getting high by getting numb enough to stop thinking.

I try my best to keep it all together, but honestly most days seem better after they're gone, because I've already weathered the storm.

I have a question for you, is it weird that I'm only happy at the start of a new day? When that first hour awake shows it's pretty face, I feel amazing.

Until I watch it fade away and in it's place I see familiar faces telling me "Everything's the same and nothing ever changes."

My dad told me once in a drunken state of prophecy, "Son, me and you are variables, we can be the change the world needs."

I rebutted instantly, "If that's true, how come you've been drinking every night since you were 17? How come you've been working your whole life away inside refineries? How come you'll be doing the same thing when you hit the age of 63?"

After that he just stared at me, like his whole world was broken, like I took a notion he'd been holding onto for 20 long years and shattered it.

There I saw a man bruised, battered and beaten, and when I saw the look in his eyes that night I had a moment of clarity.

It came to me in the form of a quote by Sir Fredrick Neichze, "And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."

And in that moment I had to laugh because I realized my whole life could be a divine comedy, my dad was trying to help me escape, but all I could think about was our shared love of philosophy.

And as if on cue, he said the quote right back to me, and then I felt bad for laughing at a tragedy.