i am sorry. i had feared that
you were someone cruel like me;
i had worried about your eyes,
wondered just how much they could see.

the exit could have been a scythe—
so afraid i was you'd use it.
the threat of that death hung over
everything. challenging, taunting.

i am sorry, i am. to have felt
no regret for cutting myself
upon that sharp blade, to have left
memories of sunlight behind.

to have made that vile decision,
to have made that sad admission.
i know no one, not even you;
not even you, i'll hold on to.