"Are you okay?"
These are my least favorite words to hear
because what do I tell you?
do I tell you that I am not okay?
That, in fact, I feel like a leaf swirling in dark waters
trapped by the current
having no power to direct where I want to go
helpless

I don't really want to talk about it
I don't really want to tell you
how I'm actually doing
because if I do
you are going to want to help me
to try to fix me
and I don't think I can be fixed
I don't want to be helped
I just want to sit here
and not be okay
is that okay?
could we do that please?

No
Of course not
Problems have to have solutions
Broken things must be fixed
I must be helped

So

I say, with a sunny smile,
"I am well!"
And quickly, with caring eyes,
"How are you?"
I want to know the state of your emotions
so you will leave mine alone
I want to hear your struggles
so you won't ask about mine
deflection and distraction
All ploys I use to keep you at arms length
Because
When it comes down to it
I don't want to face my feelings
I don't want to think about how I am doing
So, go ahead, ask me because

"I am okay."