I try to pay attention but words just disappear cause it’s always raining in my head
I’ll make myself so small that I’m no longer here
This thing that’s inside my skin is trying to claw her way out
She’s got vengeance in her soul
I hush her for the night
But she’ll only try again tomorrow  

And so I ask who am I? Why am I like this? All my thoughts rush through my head, scattered like a jigsaw puzzle not yet put together
But I cannot say them out loud
They scream and they fight because they just want to be heard, they want to be felt and understood
My mouth, it never opens
Clamped shut in a permanent smile
As all the people say, “isn’t her smile so beautiful?”
Don’t they see what’s hidden behind my eyes?
“SOS. Help. Save me!”
They don’t know that I’m ruining this beautiful set of teeth and plump lips with a cigarette in the crevice
Holding all of the terrifying thoughts packed inside my mind

I swear I’m a good girl, so why don’t you love me back?
It’s never me
I believe it’s my personality
No one could ever love me
I suppose I was lying all that time

I bleed my heart out on all these papers
Tears never stain my eyes but the lump in my throat won’t disappear
I crave affection that I won’t let myself feel
Because who can love me when I can’t even love myself?

I’m so full of lies and deceit
Don’t believe what they tell you. Don’t believe what I say
“She’s honest and full of loyalty, kind and oh so beautiful.” I’m honest and full of loyalty, kind and oh so beautiful.
I’ll swear to you that I’m good
That I deserve the right kind of love
I’ll tell you that I’ll never lie to you
I’ll let you believe I’ll bare my whole heart and soul
The secrets that begin at my toes and don’t stop until they reach the top of my head, I’ll never admit
For that, I apologize eternally

Sometimes somebody hurts you so bad it stops hurting at all
Who broke me?
Why can’t I be full?
Deep down there’s an ache so extreme it takes over my being
Each day it spreads a little further
One day my beating heart will stop
I’m waiting for that day

There are moments when I’m asked a question but I can’t answer because my mouth is clamped shut
It feels as if I’ll need pliers to force it open
My stomach burns and I think acid will spill from my mouth
The acid chokes me and my head is spinning
It’s okay I tell myself, you can answer the question
I speak, but I do not hear myself
I’m numb
I’m empty

Dear Lord, My Savior, Jesus Christ:
Each day brings more pain but I continue to pray for strength, courage, and guidance
You are the healer of all, so I’ve been told
I needed you today
I needed you yesterday
And I’ll need you tomorrow
I grasp on to the thought of you  
I am a sinner of many kinds
Do you forgive me? I am so sorry you had to die for my sins
I’m so sorry I’m not better for you have made me perfect in your eyes
I love you My God

I sit at my window with it wide open
I remember five years ago when I jumped out of one and nearly died
I think I want to try again
I don’t
Instead I lay back on my bed and breathe steadily counting every exhale
I tell myself tonight I’ll be all right
Tomorrow I’ll try for a better day