Now,
18 is a smidge too old
to be worried about things
jumping from my closet,
but I still feel uncomfortable
when it's even just
kinda sorta almost open
and I find myself
bracing for trauma
for just the teeniest second
when I need to grab my bag.
you see,
the thing is,
I've been scared for so long.
I've been scared since I was a child
but when I was a child
my closets had no doors
and they were across the room.
I was too busy being scared
of the giant in the room next to mine
to even notice them.
I was scared of bruises
and coming home.
I was scared of not seeing my refection
in the dishes
and I was scared of seeing myself
too clearly.
now I'm an adult
and I've grown up
and out of that fear.
Now I'm just angry
because I'm still bunking it
with a madman,
with everything I've come to loathe
because I was too busy being terrified
to put my life together,
so now I stare at my closet
until I don't
and sometimes when I don't
I lie still enough
to feel like I'm not alive,
but I guess that's just life.