i am frustrated out of my skin
there's an itch in my arms, near the joint of my elbows, an energy says to tear, to break, to destroy anything solid and present, burn anything in this moment because where i am in space and time is stagnant, unending with no beginning, a constant state of stillness that has existed as long as i
my hands and thoughts are at riot, i am screaming and clutching to keep occupied, i am living in this nowhere, where i have always been
so unstable yet so still at the same time
the ground has been shaking under my feet for so long that i no longer feel it, there is no thrill and no danger, only the thought of jumping off the edge of this land to feel the fall, the fall, something, to feel anything, the wind in my hair, the pit in my stomach, the ringing in my feet at the fear of heights
all i feel
the tension in my neck, the emptiness in my chest, the static that floods my body in moments like these, like this one right now, unremarkable as every other, as everything in my life has always been
not to say it has been normal, rather a constant chaos,
if you spend your whole life with screaming in your ears you, too, will eventually go deaf
staring wide-eyed into the sun to blind yourself
nothing ever matters and nothing ever works
i will continue to tear at my skin every spring, every time that static fizzles back up, every time my feet itch to run somewhere
the whole way is uphill and the only thing chasing me is time,
which i always turn and stare in the face,
say i dare you, i dare you
catch right up to me and swallow me whole, end it, i dare you