I always told myself that I had wanted to “go away,” it really didn't matter where, I just wanted to go away,

You told me I’d find that place and that I’d like that place but I didn’t actually want to leave because I knew I’d leave you,

I’ll always remember the night we made the decision. The decision to stay together forever. It seemed like ages before I knew our separation was inevitable, my tears giving me the first real indication of such,

Though I had made those last two situations up in my head they seemed so real because you were in them,

Sometimes I’d imagine that you were mine and that I could cherish every inch of your skin,

Arriving home is so difficult sometimes because I look out my window everyday hoping you’ll walk by,

Even if you didn’t even know it was my house just that glimpse would be enough to fill my heart for eighty-two lifetimes,

I wish I was as good as you at this. I really do,

You eat confidence for breakfast, your bleak outlook on things sometimes reminds me I’m not the only crazy one,

You make me feel sane and you make me feel valid and you make me feel more than anyone has in the midst of what I always thought to be just me being insane being depressed being every label that has been crazy glued to me since the day I was born,

You make me feel like it all makes sense for once,

You make everything feel fine, like everything is going to be okay even when it’s not,

Like I said, I wish I was as good as you at this. How do you do it? Please enlighten me,

I just want to be you I want to breathe you I want to see you I want to hold you I want I want I want,

Even though it had always been about you I always wanted to be you,

I wanted

Toronto, 2017
(for N)