Mar 2010
high point. consistent. bat **** crazy. summer. warmth. sun. beach. boy. this boy.
first warm day for the windows of my car to be open, for flip flops to be worn, for jeans and a tee appropriate attire, and for reggae to be blasting through my speakers. at the point at which is intense enough to fool my mind and my body into thinking and feeling summer. its the moment i appreciate everything around me. it feels magical that no matter how harsh winter was, spring comes and that no matter how unstable anything in my life is, the seasons will keep changing. ive felt that same magical first warm day feeling for 20 years and for every year i live to experience the cycle of seasons, i will feel that magic. nature is the most stable instability. it may rain when we predict sun, but the rain will stop and there will be a day of sun indefinitely.
sometimes i think i am working toward accepting the absurdity of life. working to create relationships with a preconceived notion that they will fail. i escape my misery by caring for other people and recreating childhood memories because that was the last time i lived everyday of my life without going over the conceptualization of hate, lack of innocence, and constant dissatisfaction.
over the last few months i have realized that there is no way to stop the perpetuation of *******, prevent me or anyone else from getting hurt, i have to live in this moment. and be happy in this moment. which i have managed to do quite well these days. with these friends. and this boy. and this homework. and this haircut. and this cold wind. everything just keeps going.
there is no god. the concept of healing and living is people, community, and yourself.
feeling purposeful is nothing but appreciating nature and your surroundings. i feel like an asset to the world when i sit in the woods and look around and fall in love with the creek, the swaying trees i am sitting under, and the sky so blue.
like vivid art that is created... and colors purposely mixed making insane shades and images. but outside of the art i am living inside the world the art is based off of. how ******* amazing is that? people look at paintings and think, how beautiful, how serene, how naturally extraordinary. but those people don’t take the time to open their eyes to the world the paper images are based upon, the world they live in and take for granted.
our brains are amazing. humans underestimate our brains immensely. our brains retain things - memories, songs, morals, mistakes, our whole lives. we are in college, frustrated and stressed because we cant bring ourselves to study, or we do poorly on a test. but in reality our brains retain the information linked to sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. remembers every little thing and sends it to the front of your brain when you need it.
the real problem in this world is engaging in life. not changing the huge problems like haiti or starving children in africa. those problems are easier to grasp and talk about. but what about the homeless man you see right in front of you? people have to stop trying to changing the world and try to change what is right in front of them, affecting them and the people they are surrounded by. what about the animals who are becoming extinct? so many people are worried about them. how the **** are you going to claim to be an activist and protect all those little creatures? we relate ourselves to other people other wild animals and pets, because they look like us. they have eyes, they have noses, they have lips, and they live in families. but what about rivers and trees and leaves on the ground in fall all together living side by side needing sun and oxygen just like us. but getting your head around the concept of living green seems unreachable. we cant sleep. we cant stop eating. we cant stop drinking. we cant stop ******* consuming.
first warm day for the windows of my car to be open, for flip flops to be worn, for jeans and a tee appropriate attire, and for reggae to be blasting through my speakers. at the point at which is intense enough to fool my mind and my body into thinking and feeling summer. its the moment i appreciate everything around me. it feels magical that no matter how harsh winter was, spring comes and that no matter how unstable anything in my life is, the seasons will keep changing. ive felt that same magical first warm day feeling for 20 years and for every year i live to experience the cycle of seasons, i will feel that magic. nature is the most stable instability. it may rain when we predict sun, but the rain will stop and there will be a day of sun indefinitely.
sometimes i think i am working toward accepting the absurdity of life. working to create relationships with a preconceived notion that they will fail. i escape my misery by caring for other people and recreating childhood memories because that was the last time i lived everyday of my life without going over the conceptualization of hate, lack of innocence, and constant dissatisfaction.
over the last few months i have realized that there is no way to stop the perpetuation of *******, prevent me or anyone else from getting hurt, i have to live in this moment. and be happy in this moment. which i have managed to do quite well these days. with these friends. and this boy. and this homework. and this haircut. and this cold wind. everything just keeps going.
there is no god. the concept of healing and living is people, community, and yourself.
feeling purposeful is nothing but appreciating nature and your surroundings. i feel like an asset to the world when i sit in the woods and look around and fall in love with the creek, the swaying trees i am sitting under, and the sky so blue.
like vivid art that is created... and colors purposely mixed making insane shades and images. but outside of the art i am living inside the world the art is based off of. how ******* amazing is that? people look at paintings and think, how beautiful, how serene, how naturally extraordinary. but those people don’t take the time to open their eyes to the world the paper images are based upon, the world they live in and take for granted.
our brains are amazing. humans underestimate our brains immensely. our brains retain things - memories, songs, morals, mistakes, our whole lives. we are in college, frustrated and stressed because we cant bring ourselves to study, or we do poorly on a test. but in reality our brains retain the information linked to sight, sound, smell, touch and taste. remembers every little thing and sends it to the front of your brain when you need it.
the real problem in this world is engaging in life. not changing the huge problems like haiti or starving children in africa. those problems are easier to grasp and talk about. but what about the homeless man you see right in front of you? people have to stop trying to changing the world and try to change what is right in front of them, affecting them and the people they are surrounded by. what about the animals who are becoming extinct? so many people are worried about them. how the **** are you going to claim to be an activist and protect all those little creatures? we relate ourselves to other people other wild animals and pets, because they look like us. they have eyes, they have noses, they have lips, and they live in families. but what about rivers and trees and leaves on the ground in fall all together living side by side needing sun and oxygen just like us. but getting your head around the concept of living green seems unreachable. we cant sleep. we cant stop eating. we cant stop drinking. we cant stop ******* consuming.
