A Farewell to Self-Hatred
by @TomoDOTchi
I can do this without you, y’know.
I don’t need you to show me anymore
how I screwed things up or how I’m not enough
for anyone to legitimately love me.
You shove me around
kicking me when I’m on the ground
with your cutting words within my soul
telling me again and again that
if I would just do better I would fill this hole
And holy crap
It blows my mind that I bought the whole thing!
That constantly criticizing myself would someday bring
some semblance of success or self-love
that this was the key to rise above all my pain
How insane that I believed you at all!
Who ARE you? Where did you get the gall to tell me I was worthless?
Worth this knife in my chest,
told to bleed till I was at my best and
obsessing over every last mistake I made as if this was supposed to save me?!
As if by shaming me you gave me reason to try harder—
oh, like you’re why I got that much farther
don’t bother trying to sell that garbage to me
like you’re some sort of savior that set me free.
I believe there’s only one Savior and he’s not like you.
He never beats me down or tells me that he’s through loving me
or shames me for not being perfect as if I had to be
or tells me that if I try harder then maybe I’ll be free
No! Jesus loves me!
And he loves me for me, not for being the person YOU say I should be,
and while you swore no one would ever fall for me,
he laid down his life on Judgement’s Tree,
Yes, for me.
So say what you want, I don’t care!
But don’t you ever dare say I need you again
Don’t you dare tell me that you’re my friend
Or that I need you to reach a happy ending
I’m done spending my life trying to please you
I’m worthy and loved, I don’t have to believe you
ever again, yes, this is where you end
I’m good enough now and was good enough then
And you’re the only one here who’s better off dead.
All that said, I’m gonna listen to Love today
I’m gonna believe that my sin debt was paid
No longer slaving to get a perfect score
I’m adored as I am, not as future version of me
that has it all together and is completely free
oh please, spare me, save your fantasies
The stone rolled away, my Jesus risen from the grave
proclaims to the universe that I’m worthy of love today.