Apr 2018
Hi there,
When I say how are you?
I mean to say thank you.
When I say Fine and look into your eyes
I mean to say thank you for saving me
And what I mean by that is this:
My story is not a pleasant one.
I carry it all on my body
The abuse being my strechmarks,
The pain being my scars,
Every mole I have will tell me a story
And none of them were pleasent
I self-harmed, self-medicated, self-taught everything that made it all worse.
Let the makeup become my day to day mask that hides my pain from the outside world.
Let the partys be the good excuses to self medicate in alcohol and drugs, for that was the only way I would not lay in bed alone, sober, with my thoughts.
I let the warm bodies of men become my doctors for when I would need a check-up. And I needed them a lot.
Then I met you, and from that first moment our eyes locked I stopped thinking about the check ups from the warm bodies, the sober thoughts i couldnt handle without my party excuses and the way I wanted you all to see me.
The first thing you said to me was 'Its okay, I see through your wall'
With those words you have changed me. made me want to have fun, but with you. I let you brake down my wall without any struggle, as if i were an animal which just came out of hybernation. ready to start again, to start fresh.
While some time has passed now, you have created a distance. you said you needed it and i was fine. no, i wasnt fine, i just said i was fine cause i wanted you to believe that you have 'fixed' me. with every unanswered phone call and every message left on read. I BREAK.
My heart turns into thousand little mirrors which you break again one by one with the push of the off button on your phone. you repair those pieces with your superglue. your superglue is hot and steamy but unreal. After healing me again you leave me. AGAIN, this time for good. And i am left jet again with what is now a million pieces of mirror. the reflection will never be the same.
So I go back to the warm bodies from who i need a check-up to tell me I am still beautifull. even only in that moment. So I go back to the clubs and make excuses for my self-medicating ways. So I go back to the safety of my makeup so no one will know how broken I am.
And still, I blame myself.
When I say how are you?
I mean to say thank you.
When I say Fine and look into your eyes
I mean to say thank you for saving me
And what I mean by that is this:
My story is not a pleasant one.
I carry it all on my body
The abuse being my strechmarks,
The pain being my scars,
Every mole I have will tell me a story
And none of them were pleasent
I self-harmed, self-medicated, self-taught everything that made it all worse.
Let the makeup become my day to day mask that hides my pain from the outside world.
Let the partys be the good excuses to self medicate in alcohol and drugs, for that was the only way I would not lay in bed alone, sober, with my thoughts.
I let the warm bodies of men become my doctors for when I would need a check-up. And I needed them a lot.
Then I met you, and from that first moment our eyes locked I stopped thinking about the check ups from the warm bodies, the sober thoughts i couldnt handle without my party excuses and the way I wanted you all to see me.
The first thing you said to me was 'Its okay, I see through your wall'
With those words you have changed me. made me want to have fun, but with you. I let you brake down my wall without any struggle, as if i were an animal which just came out of hybernation. ready to start again, to start fresh.
While some time has passed now, you have created a distance. you said you needed it and i was fine. no, i wasnt fine, i just said i was fine cause i wanted you to believe that you have 'fixed' me. with every unanswered phone call and every message left on read. I BREAK.
My heart turns into thousand little mirrors which you break again one by one with the push of the off button on your phone. you repair those pieces with your superglue. your superglue is hot and steamy but unreal. After healing me again you leave me. AGAIN, this time for good. And i am left jet again with what is now a million pieces of mirror. the reflection will never be the same.
So I go back to the warm bodies from who i need a check-up to tell me I am still beautifull. even only in that moment. So I go back to the clubs and make excuses for my self-medicating ways. So I go back to the safety of my makeup so no one will know how broken I am.
And still, I blame myself.
