Everything feels like it’s been going in slow motion.
I don’t feel anything
Until suddenly it’s too much to handle.
I like to think it’s just the stress from school, but I think in reality,
I know it’s deeper.
I am a constant cloud of worry.
Dampening everything and everyone in my path.
I like to think that it’s not you.
I like to push off the fact that you’re aren’t here anymore.
I like to pretend that I’m not walking holes in my shoes,
In my dreams,
Trying to find you and bring you home.
I like to pretend that I haven’t been trying to fill this void in my life.
That this whole thing isn’t real.
I sometimes see your face in strangers
As I am walking to class,
At the grocery store,
In parking lots.
I hate that I have to see your dad constantly destroying his life.
I hate that your little brother will someday realize this, or maybe he won’t.. but by then it will probably be too late.
I hate that I have been burying all of these emotions so deep.
Every little inconvenience makes me crack like pavement.
Since you’ve been gone,
I feel like I’ve been battling the days alone.
It feels wrong.
I’ve been talking to Erika more now.
It feels nice.
I think you would be proud.
I wonder what it’s like to hear Papa’s laugh again.
Or to see Uncle Teddy’s smile.
I bet Grammy makes you breakfast a lot.
I wonder how you’re feeling up there.
I hate that I didn’t get to tell you how much I love you.
I hate that we didn’t spend as much time together before you left.
I’m walking around feeling so guilty lately.
The days feel dark.
Life feels like one big,
Hazy storm.
I wonder why this happens so often.
I often feel like I am being punished,
And I don't know why.
I feel like I am being slapped in the face by the hand of God.
It's fine, really.
I know you aren't suffering.
I know you're probably the happiest you've ever been.
But did you see Nick's face?
Do you know how we are feeling?
There is something significant about the way you made others feel.
I can't help but think about your goofy laugh when I am missing you.
It feels like you are oceans away,
but in reality,
It is much, much farther than that.
I wake up every day with this weight on my chest.
The weight of feeling empty inside when I realize I won't see you this summer.
The weight of your alcoholic father.
The weight of seeing your little brother and thinking about his reaction when he first found out you were gone.
I wish I knew what this meant.
I don't even truly remember the last thing I said to you.
I think I sent you a ******* Bitmoji.
And I just think about how stupid that is.
I am so angry that you're not here with me.