I’m lying awake on my bed
But I should’ve been asleep
For an hour or more already.
I’m thinking too **** much.
Constantly spinning, swirling
And I can’t stop the thoughts.
I can’t stop thinking at all.

My family
Is asleep.
They have been for a while.
They aren’t me.
They’re whole.
They don’t think about it.
They know
That tomorrow
Is gonna come and be fine.
I don’t.
I’m scared.
I’m scared of myself mostly.

They sleep soundly.
They’re whole.
I’m not.
They don’t know that.
That I’m broken.
They won’t.
I’m good at keeping secrets.
Even if it’s bad.
So what.

I can’t fall asleep because I’m thinking too much about me. About what I’ve done and about what I will do. They don’t have to think about it. But I don’t know which me is the real me. Which problem is the truth? Which attitude is my nature? Do I have a nature if there’s so many different ones conflicting? Or is my nature conflict?

Either way.
Tonight feels
Like sleep is
For the whole.
Not the parts.
Or broken.
And not me.