It’s been a month since I last cuddled you
Kissed you
Held your hand
Called you babe, sweetheart, ***

It’s been three months since I laughed
Felt loved
Was told I looked beautiful
How much you appreciate me
Or made love to you like we use to

It’s been awhile since I called you my friend
Support System
Partner in Crime
Soulmate
True Love

Its been a year since I last felt those butterflies that night you kissed me in the courtyard
Its been a year since I saw love in your eyes like the first day
Its been a year since I felt like we were for each other and only for each other

Its been awhile since I felt what love is suppose to feel like
Its been awhile since someone has told me they loved me and meant it
Its been awhile since I cuddled with you and felt protected in your arms
Its been awhile since I knew how you felt about me without lies and fake smiles
Its been awhile

So now that I realized I did not want the kind of love that is shown with violence
The words that cut like daggers, the names that do not reflect my character
Or the emotional put down that I got from you
I know it will be awhile

So when people ask me why I don’t love
It’s simple… he took the love that I once gave and gave me a reason not to let it show again
When people ask me why am I protected
...because I was shown that even the ones you love can hurt you in ways you can’t imagine

It cuts like a knife when you want to open up to someone but he is there in their reflection
Its been awhile
my traumatic past can not cover up scars
Every night I have those vivid dreams, they reopen like a scab that you pick when you are bored
But for my situation I have no control over the vivid dreams, nightmares, or illusions of you.
I just have to lay there and let it repeat like that night you did not care
So when someone ask, I just say…. Its been awhile