I am still

The world is moving
Leaves growing and falling
Changing

But I am still

I am anchored
Days ago
In your arms.

The city plays its strange song
My heart picking up with every step
Toward you
I’m fine
I say,
Too many times to be believed.

I feel my body give way
To a truth I don’t want to feel
When I catch sight of you
It’s like I’ve been hit by something
And it’s all I can do
Not to crumble
Not to run to you.

You smile and hold me for too short a second
I tell myself I don’t care
Even as I feel my fingers aching for you.
You talk you laugh
The sounds of the city dying in your wake
I am entranced by you
I cannot bear to look at you
And yet I cannot look away

You’re beautiful.
All my favourite things.
We walk and talk
And the knife in my throat
lungs that are bricks
Magnetic bones
Steal my words and actions
And I can see you noticing
So I try to become
An actress
aloof
And certain.

My appetite is gone
All my efforts in my charade
You tell me your truths
Truths I wish we’d heard so long ago
And my heart breaks on each one of them
I force the food down.
I study the smells and the sights
Try to stay in the moment
Try to keep it together
When all I want to do
Is reach across
The chasm I built
And weep in your arms
And tell you I was wrong,
Come home.

“I am fine”
I say as your eyes pick at the cracks.

You lead me through
Mazes of architecture and emotions
I’m hypnotised by you
My love, my heart, ma coeur
My body electrified by your presence
Calling calling calling for you
Aching aching aching for you

We sit the same as we always have
Except
So different.
You’re different, more whole somehow and I am successful,
But broken.

We hide in the echoes of an underpass
Chaos and kaleidoscopes of life around us
Oh but how quiet the world becomes
When you speak

Your voice breaks
And with it my charade
Oh my heart
I’m so in love with you
How could I have done this to us.
Completely given up
I cease to fight
And you’re in my arms
We are where we should be.

Holding you like that
Breathing you in
No questions here
We are one heart, one mind
I wished I could be closer to you
I wished you’d hold me tighter
I wished the evidence
Of the right leaving brought
Wasn’t all around us.

You’re talking and we draw in
I cannot keep it up
Ma coeur I cannot.
Coming home in kissing you
Unnatural before, now we are what were meant to be.
You taste so sweet
And I can’t stop reaching
I hold your face like something fragile
I trace the curves of your lips
I lose myself in your summer
And the calling calling
Celebrates into a contented hum.

We’re by the water,
Your hand in mine.
I’ve never felt so complete.
Your lips trace my jaw and whisper
Our truth to my ears.
You are and always will be Ma coeur.

We laugh we play
It’s our best day.
It’s our best day.

The drive home
Myriad of lights and night shadows
And you warm beside.
Though we drive toward
Our end
I hold you every moment I get
I memorise you.

A desperation sets in
As the parting draws closer
You kiss me sweetly
Lighting a fire in my veins
I fold around you like petals
Oh how I want you.

The stars peek behind patchwork’s of cloud
And we hold and kiss each other
As we watch them lazily stroll the sky
You speak softly to me
We talk about goodbyes
We talk about love

And then
We’re standing the the street
You’re holding me one last time
And I’m screaming inside
The intense grieving trying to break through my lips
Each stray sob
You stroke my hair and hold me close
You kiss the tears from my eyes
You tell me it’s okay
This is alright
We have this night.

Days ago,
I wept as I drove away from you
I refused to look back.
For fear I couldn’t stop myself
Returning to you.

Now
I am still

The world is moving
Leaves growing and falling
Changing

But I am still

I am anchored
Days ago
Still
In your arms.