I think I had this weird misconception for the longest time without even realizing it.

For awhile I was in control of every relationship I had with a guy. I chose when it started, when it ended, how it ended, whether it would start again, when it would start again, etc.

I think I thought that every guy I was with would always be waiting for me to change my mind and turn back around. Well because, that's how it was for a long time.

But that thought is what made me be in control.

And I know that's ****** up, as I type it. But it's true.

For the girl with little self confidence, thinking that every guy she's been with would wait around for her. How arrogant is that.

How wrong is that

I realized it when my anxiety took over, having to take a step away from the guy I was with, thinking that he would understand and simply wait for me.

But he didn't

He was so quick to move on. And he had every right to.

Honestly, I'm happy it happened. It had to happen for me to realize how toxic I was being to myself and to other guys.

All of my poems consist of one topic, one guy, breaking me down.

I can't let what he did to me effect how I treat future guys.

I can't be the person they write poems about years later talking about how toxic I was for them.

I refuse to be that person.

I am not that person.

I will never be that person.