Mar 2018
There once was I time when I fell in love with this girl. It was life once again had new meaning and purpose. I had someone in my life that was worth getting out of bed for. I spent so many hours travelling to go see her. Many a long days and even longer nights to travel back and forth just to see her and hold her. Long nights in the hospital when she was I pain, watching her just struggle with pain just broke me each time. I wished I could help more than I was, but I was with her and that's all that mattered. I surprised her many a time, the one time after court was the one I'll never forget. Just watching her eyes light up when she walked in the door was a moment I'll never forget for the rest of my life. It was the most amazing time of my life that happened by accident. It was the surprise of my life that I never expected and one that would change me forever.
For a time it was the most amazing experience. We learned each other and listened and talked for hours on end just to hear the others voice. She talked I listened and just absorbed all that she had to say. I learned her habits, Her likes, Her dislikes, what made her tick, what made her angry, And a lot of what made her cry. I learned her witching hour, I learned her cycle, I learned her body better than anyone else had. I loved her on a level she had never experienced, I loved her kids like they were my own. It was a journey that for an entire 6 months I was living with my head in the clouds. Then it all ended. You see it hit me like a ton of bricks. I crumpled like I got hit by a semi truck. I cried for days and nights, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I merely just existed for weeks. Until it clicked one day that, I'll be ok and I can move on.
There twice was a time I fell in love with this girl. It's like a bad dream that you can never properly remember you just know you have it. Weeks of loneliness and pain just washed away by moving on and forgetting the past. Suddenly just became a memory. She said, "hello " And I just became a storm of emotions, I wanted to shut her out and ignore her knowing it was best for me. Although, there is just something inside of me that I cannot ignore because this kindness of who I am just can't let me go that easy. So the storm calmed and we conversed. It was almost like nothing changed after a short time. We laughed, We cried, we joked, and we lied to ourselves and each other that there was this void between us that longed for each other.
I spent a week in hell with her. I watched her suffer and it killed me inside. To watch be in constant pain and torment, while ones that were supposed to care for her just hung her out to dry. I fought her, against her, for her, And played the devil's advocate for the sake of argument. But at the end of it all I loved her more. And she couldn't stay away anymore because she knew she loved me too. It was only a few short weeks and we were once again in each other arms, as friends, lovers, and partners. I showed her my past life. All the memories of my childhood lay before her and I told her while I showed her about how I came to be. Why I am who I am and the story unfolded right before her eyes. There was such love in those eyes and I didn't want that day to end.
I was once again rolling in the clouds of happiness. I love her more than before, but I also loved her less. I was a damaged man before we met and I put faith in her hoping that she could put me back together again and for a time she did. But once again I was rendered a broken man with a shattered heart that I left open only to her. I loved her more because I had her again, I knew her better and knew how to take care of her, But I loved her because she broke me once before. I protected my wounds and treaded carefully as to avoid the pain from happening again. I continued to make sacrificing of my time and money and sleep to come visit and spend time with her from such a distance. I cared for her and talked her through some of her darkest nights, her suicidal thoughts, and fought her demons of all shapes and sizes. I fought the physical, the emotional, the mental, and all them at once. I poured into her my love and affection and let her find her peace in my embrace. But I loved her less because as much as I cared for her, I still could not escape the terror of those nights that I was left alone to deal with my demons when she left me first. I remembered the nightmares that haunted my dreams, taunting me it would happen again. So I loved her less.
For another 6 months, life was once again such a joy. I fell in love with my best friend during that time. Not a day went by I didn't talk to her, not think about her, or miss her. We planned, talked, and discussed what the future might hold for us. But we did not expect what we would happen to us first. We once again grew distant, then bam.....it happened. I was left alone, as if shot it the dark and left to rot until someone found me. It didn't hurt as much as it did before. I had been expecting it for a few days. Like a bad vision of the future, I could sense it in the air like an approaching storm. Once again I was broken man with a shatter heart but this time it hurt less and I moved on.
There thrice was a time I fell in love with this girl. Good god was there ****** tension and desire between us that day we went for breakfast. It was so strong you could cut it with a butter knife. We both knew we were I trouble but neither of us wanted to admit it. The next day we were consumed by such strong desire we knew it would ruin us to stay together any longer. We broke apart and tried to fight it, but in the end we both lost. We found each other and we were both so happy once again. I loved her more than before, but I loved her less. I was broken by her twice and put back together each time after. Surely third time is a charm and we had learned from our mistakes and would make this time. We had never been so wrong.
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. It was like there was never any gaps in our friendship, love, or relationship for a time. Our lives became so intertwined that we included each other in everything we did. The future seemed so certain, our lives seemed to be connected to tight that it appeared impossible for them to become separated. We had never been more wrong. Just as like the past times before after 6 months, It all fell apart.
This time I spent nights just holding her as she cried, begging the universe why she had to struggle so much. Why this cruel world hated her so and never let her have a moments peace. My heart broke for her as she just became a crumpled mess in my arms. I loved her more as she trusted me and let me care for her and I willingly and happily just cared for her without a second thought, but I loved her less after all this. You see that even though I had never stopped loving her at any point in time, I was constantly tormented by this horrid feeling of loneliness that one day she'll just leave again. Just like how it had happened in the past. I couldn't and wouldn't let this stop me from pouring out what I could give her when she needed me. I ran to her side when she did, told her it would be alright, And held her until she fell asleep in my arms. She found comfort in my embrace, while I stayed awake to watch over her. In those moment I was left alone with my thoughts. I'd look at her and hear things I shall never repeat for they cause too much pain to say aloud. I didn't hate her for this, I didn't want to cause her harm, I never wanted to be the cause of any of her pain. But I couldn't give my all to her until I had proof something was different. Until that one day where we said "I do" and there was no backing out of it.
A fight unlike any that had taken place before. Both sides made mistakes, Both sides said things they regret, both sides lost in the end. And now they are left with broken pieces of themselves to try and clean up. Shattered lives that were once so confident in one another that marriage seemed the obvious next choice and growing old together was the greatest first each other had to offer. In the end, we agreed that this was the end and that the damage was far too great to repair. Moving on is and was the only solution for both of us.
Who knows what the future holds for either of us. Perhaps one day, the universe will once again play some horrid trick on us once again and lead us back into each other's arms. I will not lie and say I don't love her, I have just learned to realize that perhaps being just need to stay in our heart and not our lives for the future. I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me to attempt to live life without her once again, but I have to try or else I'll never get anywhere.
There thrice was a time I fell in love with this girl, and I loved her more each time. But much to my regret, I also loved her less.
For a time it was the most amazing experience. We learned each other and listened and talked for hours on end just to hear the others voice. She talked I listened and just absorbed all that she had to say. I learned her habits, Her likes, Her dislikes, what made her tick, what made her angry, And a lot of what made her cry. I learned her witching hour, I learned her cycle, I learned her body better than anyone else had. I loved her on a level she had never experienced, I loved her kids like they were my own. It was a journey that for an entire 6 months I was living with my head in the clouds. Then it all ended. You see it hit me like a ton of bricks. I crumpled like I got hit by a semi truck. I cried for days and nights, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I merely just existed for weeks. Until it clicked one day that, I'll be ok and I can move on.
There twice was a time I fell in love with this girl. It's like a bad dream that you can never properly remember you just know you have it. Weeks of loneliness and pain just washed away by moving on and forgetting the past. Suddenly just became a memory. She said, "hello " And I just became a storm of emotions, I wanted to shut her out and ignore her knowing it was best for me. Although, there is just something inside of me that I cannot ignore because this kindness of who I am just can't let me go that easy. So the storm calmed and we conversed. It was almost like nothing changed after a short time. We laughed, We cried, we joked, and we lied to ourselves and each other that there was this void between us that longed for each other.
I spent a week in hell with her. I watched her suffer and it killed me inside. To watch be in constant pain and torment, while ones that were supposed to care for her just hung her out to dry. I fought her, against her, for her, And played the devil's advocate for the sake of argument. But at the end of it all I loved her more. And she couldn't stay away anymore because she knew she loved me too. It was only a few short weeks and we were once again in each other arms, as friends, lovers, and partners. I showed her my past life. All the memories of my childhood lay before her and I told her while I showed her about how I came to be. Why I am who I am and the story unfolded right before her eyes. There was such love in those eyes and I didn't want that day to end.
I was once again rolling in the clouds of happiness. I love her more than before, but I also loved her less. I was a damaged man before we met and I put faith in her hoping that she could put me back together again and for a time she did. But once again I was rendered a broken man with a shattered heart that I left open only to her. I loved her more because I had her again, I knew her better and knew how to take care of her, But I loved her because she broke me once before. I protected my wounds and treaded carefully as to avoid the pain from happening again. I continued to make sacrificing of my time and money and sleep to come visit and spend time with her from such a distance. I cared for her and talked her through some of her darkest nights, her suicidal thoughts, and fought her demons of all shapes and sizes. I fought the physical, the emotional, the mental, and all them at once. I poured into her my love and affection and let her find her peace in my embrace. But I loved her less because as much as I cared for her, I still could not escape the terror of those nights that I was left alone to deal with my demons when she left me first. I remembered the nightmares that haunted my dreams, taunting me it would happen again. So I loved her less.
For another 6 months, life was once again such a joy. I fell in love with my best friend during that time. Not a day went by I didn't talk to her, not think about her, or miss her. We planned, talked, and discussed what the future might hold for us. But we did not expect what we would happen to us first. We once again grew distant, then bam.....it happened. I was left alone, as if shot it the dark and left to rot until someone found me. It didn't hurt as much as it did before. I had been expecting it for a few days. Like a bad vision of the future, I could sense it in the air like an approaching storm. Once again I was broken man with a shatter heart but this time it hurt less and I moved on.
There thrice was a time I fell in love with this girl. Good god was there ****** tension and desire between us that day we went for breakfast. It was so strong you could cut it with a butter knife. We both knew we were I trouble but neither of us wanted to admit it. The next day we were consumed by such strong desire we knew it would ruin us to stay together any longer. We broke apart and tried to fight it, but in the end we both lost. We found each other and we were both so happy once again. I loved her more than before, but I loved her less. I was broken by her twice and put back together each time after. Surely third time is a charm and we had learned from our mistakes and would make this time. We had never been so wrong.
Days turned into weeks and weeks into months. It was like there was never any gaps in our friendship, love, or relationship for a time. Our lives became so intertwined that we included each other in everything we did. The future seemed so certain, our lives seemed to be connected to tight that it appeared impossible for them to become separated. We had never been more wrong. Just as like the past times before after 6 months, It all fell apart.
This time I spent nights just holding her as she cried, begging the universe why she had to struggle so much. Why this cruel world hated her so and never let her have a moments peace. My heart broke for her as she just became a crumpled mess in my arms. I loved her more as she trusted me and let me care for her and I willingly and happily just cared for her without a second thought, but I loved her less after all this. You see that even though I had never stopped loving her at any point in time, I was constantly tormented by this horrid feeling of loneliness that one day she'll just leave again. Just like how it had happened in the past. I couldn't and wouldn't let this stop me from pouring out what I could give her when she needed me. I ran to her side when she did, told her it would be alright, And held her until she fell asleep in my arms. She found comfort in my embrace, while I stayed awake to watch over her. In those moment I was left alone with my thoughts. I'd look at her and hear things I shall never repeat for they cause too much pain to say aloud. I didn't hate her for this, I didn't want to cause her harm, I never wanted to be the cause of any of her pain. But I couldn't give my all to her until I had proof something was different. Until that one day where we said "I do" and there was no backing out of it.
A fight unlike any that had taken place before. Both sides made mistakes, Both sides said things they regret, both sides lost in the end. And now they are left with broken pieces of themselves to try and clean up. Shattered lives that were once so confident in one another that marriage seemed the obvious next choice and growing old together was the greatest first each other had to offer. In the end, we agreed that this was the end and that the damage was far too great to repair. Moving on is and was the only solution for both of us.
Who knows what the future holds for either of us. Perhaps one day, the universe will once again play some horrid trick on us once again and lead us back into each other's arms. I will not lie and say I don't love her, I have just learned to realize that perhaps being just need to stay in our heart and not our lives for the future. I can't pretend that it doesn't bother me to attempt to live life without her once again, but I have to try or else I'll never get anywhere.
There thrice was a time I fell in love with this girl, and I loved her more each time. But much to my regret, I also loved her less.
I wrote this one night about two weeks after my 3 year relationship came to a sudden end. The night I came to terms with the reality of how it ended the way it did and how I could see it coming but refused to acknowledge it.
