over coffee
telling this story
      i do this for myself
i write them out of my story
but telling it with all their pieces snipped out feels unedged
like a lost point
so i write them back in
capture more of what is to be said
to salvage this story, to salvage my story
they are the antagonists in this version
and i hyper-fixate on all the bad
so i end up crying in the middle of this story
and telling it does not feel that much better
when i wake up with pity cornering me against the wall
and she is not motherly, and she is not sweet
she gets me to curl into a ball and not leave my room for a week

but i tell pity off once i find my strength
and i tell rose-coloured glasses off too
to tell them both, that i am facing my reality
yes this is my reality
would you like another coffee while i tell version two?
the version where i am trying, and they are trying, and we are good in our fullest of good intentions, in our fullest of tried and true ways

not in what we did, or who we were, or how we behaved, or how we made it seem, or how it really seemed but wasn't.