all of my friends and family are tired of me talking about you but
it’s the only way that I can keep whatever we had  
a l i v e  

all I want is to tell them about
the way you would wake up in the middle of the night, drunk with exhaustion, just to find me and kiss me with a sleepy smile
how you liked to show me off because people would want me, but I was so pathetically all yours
your drive to get into that **** ivy league school

I keep replaying all of these stupid, trivial, meaningless memories in my head
picking me up from the library after you spent the weekend with the father you aspire to
be, leaning over the center console to kiss you
listening to that awful ******* jesus song while on our way home, my hand waiting for yours to return to mine after shifting gears (I’d never tell you but I listen to it now, because I feel so ******* empty and I swear I can hear you singing offkey in my ear when I do)
turning over my shoulder to kiss you goodnight after kissing you a thousand times in the
movie theater because a thousand times wasn’t enough

but now
I’m counting my breathing so I can distract myself from the emotions that are so full to the brim that I fear I might spill over if I move to fast
I’m sleeping on your pillow, praying that somehow this will give me a glimpse into that beautiful brain of yours

each second passing feels like a **** hour, every hour an eternity


I’m drowning


but I don’t want to stop drowning because at least I’m drowning in you