i find it insane
how our bodies do things without
our permission
like when you touch me
my heartbeat quickens
and when you look at me
my hands start sweating
and i do not know
why this happens
but when you look at my eyes
and you say that the sky is blue
my fingers tremble to capture you
and to trace the way your lips move
to sculpt your face
with my hands
and write about the way your tongue rolls
on certain words
and describe your gentle eyes
with syllables that i cannot pronounce
without attempting to copy you
and my legs shake when we walk
because the way you talk
makes me believe you
and i doubt anything you say is true
but i can't exactly control what i do
and trust me i am a feather on a big wing
i am a simple ripple in a massive wave
but i love the way your eyes shake
and i love the way your heart quakes
and i love the way you move
when i whisper your name
and you whisper mine
and it feels like we've found a rhythmic tide
and it feels like i can finally
capture something that exists
on more than the inside of my gut
and i feel like
i can finally dig myself out of this rut
and your hand will be there to pull me up
but
i doubt you understand
and frankly i don't at all
but once upon a time someone
said i would fall
and i suppose they didn't mean literally
and i should have known
you wouldn't be there
to catch me
but with eyes like crystals
i trick myself into seeing through you
and seeing into you
and i want to move you
the way you throw my mind
like i am a doll soaked in ink
like i am not what you thought i was
explain to me how to fall in love
so i can never fall in love
because the idea that i could
love you unconditionally terrifies me
and i want to hide
inside a novel i wrote
about a girl who could speak
and when she finally needed to
she choked
i want to hide behind the words i scream
and i want to find someone new
someone else that i can
whisper their name to
someone else that i can
say i love you to
and yet i find myself screaming at you
screaming for you
and i can't comprehend
why i let you in
why i let you see parts of me
that i do not even know
and i want to know
why i believed in you
why i trusted you
why i felt for you
why i hurt for you
why i cared for you
you showed me something
i could never see and yet
i wish i had never met you
i wish i could unsee all of these things
and unsay all of these words
i wish i could lie and say it didn't hurt
i hope one day you will hurt
but i cannot wish pain upon someone
who hurts so badly
you walk so sadly
i wish i could give you love
i wish i could give you infinite joy
but alas, you can only see
what is in your fingers
right before it turns into someone else's sight
someone else's light
and i cannot comprehend
why i ever thought i could be yours.

9/26/17