i love you so much it hurts sometimes

scratch that,
it hurts most of the time

i think about how much i deeply love you,
how much i love to just be in your presence
how every moment with you is the happiest of my life
and every moment spent without you
could have been vastly improved by your presence

i think about our your cute jokes,
how you always make fun of me
but in the sweetest way possible

and you give me that smile that says
"i'm insulting you but neither you nor i care about it
because we're too close for you to be bothered
and you know i'd never want to hurt you"

that secret smile

that secret laugh
when you make when you know
you've taken a joke
just a little bit
too far

but you know i'll never care
because any word out of your mouth
is unoffensive to me

i think about the nicknames you give me
the sound and lilt of your voice
when you pick up the phone

"hey, chief,"
you say softly,
"what's up?"

i think about
the lazy, lazy circles
you talk around me

when we're alone,
conversation inevitably turns to
deep, never-before-said-aloud confessions

how odd
that the conversation inevitably turns to
love

your first love,
my first love

of course,
i never give specifics

you can never know that
my heart throbbing, amazing, out-of-my-league
first love
is, simply,
you

i think about how handsome you are

your crazy unique bright blonde hair
so curly swirly hypnotizing perfection

your bright bright blue eyes
atlantic ocean blue
a twisting, turning, turbulent stormy blue

your mischief
it's expressed in every area of your body
in every motion you make
like how,
when you sit down,
you're always leaning back in your chair
poised to fall

yet never,
as long as i've known you,
have you ever
touched the ground

i think about your intelligence,
you're the only person who can talk to me
about politics,
science,
literature,
or any other topic
in an enriching way

you're so much smarter than me
and i adore every second of it

your articulation,
the way you turn thoughts
into beautiful webs of words,
it's mesmerizing

i think i love you so much
that i overlook
all of your flaws

like how you are supremely superficial
like how you treat girls
as if they exist
for your viewing pleasure

i have this feeling like
our personalities are the most compatible
in this entire universe

but you'll never even see me
in a romantic way
because i'm not pretty
not in your eyes
not even close to it

we'll be talking about a girl
a fairly pretty girl
and you'll say she's ugly

and i'll just think
if she's ugly to you,
do i ever want to know what you think about me?

i feel bad about myself,
partly,
because of you

because i try to see myself
through your critical gaze
and all i see is a chubby, acne-ridden,
ugly girl

the worst part is that
you'll never, ever love me back
the way i love you

and this is,
in part,
because of how i look

you'll never see me as
****
attractive
hot

i'll never even appear to be
"girlfriend material"
because i'm not pretty to you

i'm friend material
sister material, even

and that's why it hurts so much to love you

it hurts my heart
and there's nothing i can do about it
because you are my best friend
and i see you every single day

and every single day i'm reminded both
of how i can never, ever have you
and how much i really, really want you