So I’m six feet under or I’m twelve feet above and there really is no in-between, the pendulum of projection but my heart is racing and it’s ten pm and the pavement feels safe, unrequited, like you are not here and i am not here and it all makes sense but it really doesn't because most of my days are spent rationalizing my existence to myself on this repetitive loop but then I feel something like love. I feel something like adrenaline. I feel something like, I’m hungry but I want a body pressed against me and I want to hear you say all the right things but I also want it to be quiet and peaceful and I want everyone I have ever loved to be on this bed with us holding me and saying all the same things too but I also want to be completely alone and stuck in my head creating something magical and once Im alone all I want is to eat an entire burrito but also climb a mountain and feel the fresh air on my skin and your hand in mine and how do I enunciate all of that when I feel like it is literally leaking out of my chest, my elbows, my knees and then there are these flashes of the one time someone died and all I hear is the gunshot, the thirty seconds between their final breath and the pavement but I also think about the time i ran down the beach naked and they just stood there and giggled, looking at me like the entire world was mine and how lucky they were to witness such a moment and I think about how lucky I was to live in such a moment and goddamnit I want to be able to rip it to shreds, eat it like a pomegranate or a mango or something that is sticky and messy and the flavor just stays on you for days no matter how many showers you take. I feel the way the bark felt on my barefeet when I used to scale trees and climb so high the tops of the tree’s would not be able to hold my weight fully and they would kind of tilt and I almost died so many times but i didn’t and the one time i tried, i really, really tried it made me so goddamned numb and I still feel that numb a lot until they love me or they leave me or I drive really fast or I chug the bottles i am absolutely not supposed to chug or I stand on stage and I tell my story over and over again and I feel like the entire audience is there with me in the moments I have lived and they are holding their breaths like I was holding my breath for hours and hours and then days and then years and when the story ends they get to breathe a sigh of relief and for a second i get to too you know?