I miss you.

I’m doing that thing where I plan out this whole scenario in my head and everything works out exactly the way I want it to.
Our eyes meet
and our lips touch
and everything is miraculously okay. I play it over and over again and I can feel my heart beat a little faster every time.
I let it sit in my mind and roll around a bit before it finally settles and solidifies.

This false sense of calm comes over me.
The pain is numbed momentarily because I have subconsciously fooled myself into thinking that what I want to happen will happen
and that I should look forward to it.
But I have been duped too many times by myself to make that mistake again.
Now all I can do is chip away at it,
slowly and painfully,
but surely.
I can feel the knots forming again in the pit of my stomach.
I can feel the worry and the hurt and the fear seep back into my heart.
But at least I know that it’s real.