I can't remember a time when I was happy.
When I wanted to live. . .

I only remember the gut wrenching pain of being a disappointment.
a failure.
a loser.
nothing.

I looked to drugs.
I looked to alcohol.
I looked to the blood that dripped.

I wanted to feel nothing.
to no longer feel sorrow.
pain.
lost.
alone.

I just wanted hope.

Death looked welcoming.
So I tried jumping in.
but even death wouldn't take me.

I never wanted this.