Sep 2012
When the past calls let it go to voicemail
But I want to start talking.
I want to talk about my attempt to turn the page.
turn the ******* page
TURN IT
A page of my life
it almost ruined all following chapters.
To make one thing clear in the beginning - I really don't want to you to pity me. I do not even want to ask for sympathy. I am writing this because I feel like I have to. Because it will allow me to turn the page completely and close this chapter forever.
I was lying in his bed
anxious, scared
but prepared.
It has always been the same
I smiled but felt shame
while he was the one to blame.
So my spirit left this bed
it was easy
stumbling to the inside of my head.
The world inside there is beautiful, colourful, calm and peaceful.
I am free, my own self and my own director while there is pain and horror outside.*
My body would stay
on the other side
it would go another way,
on a different ride.
But that was fine,
my body was strong
could handle the crime
even though it was wrong.
my mind was focused on running
away - this is not where you belong
get through that door!!
Something was different today.
Something didn't work.
The door wouldn't open all the way.
I could feel him smirk.
The door wouldn't open.
I heard my body cry
it was aching and stopped copin'
it wanted me back, asking the question why
Didn't it know that returning wasn't an option for me?
stay brave as before, just be brave and wait for it to be over
let your mind stay free!
My body grabbed my mind
dragged it back to reality.
Just like pressing rewind.
Right into where I didn't want to be.
made me look at it, made me pay attention to it and it made me feel him
He didn't care.
He never did.
But normally I didn't either.
This time i felt like ****.
I was in pain.
All I felt was hate and shame
Hate towards myself
towards that man that was to blame.
*I am so ashamed of myself because I never bothered about what my body was going through. Now I am convinced that I will never open it again. I will never let anyone give me a reason to do so. It has to stop
But I want to start talking.
I want to talk about my attempt to turn the page.
turn the ******* page
TURN IT
A page of my life
it almost ruined all following chapters.
To make one thing clear in the beginning - I really don't want to you to pity me. I do not even want to ask for sympathy. I am writing this because I feel like I have to. Because it will allow me to turn the page completely and close this chapter forever.
I was lying in his bed
anxious, scared
but prepared.
It has always been the same
I smiled but felt shame
while he was the one to blame.
So my spirit left this bed
it was easy
stumbling to the inside of my head.
The world inside there is beautiful, colourful, calm and peaceful.
I am free, my own self and my own director while there is pain and horror outside.*
My body would stay
on the other side
it would go another way,
on a different ride.
But that was fine,
my body was strong
could handle the crime
even though it was wrong.
my mind was focused on running
away - this is not where you belong
get through that door!!
Something was different today.
Something didn't work.
The door wouldn't open all the way.
I could feel him smirk.
The door wouldn't open.
I heard my body cry
it was aching and stopped copin'
it wanted me back, asking the question why
Didn't it know that returning wasn't an option for me?
stay brave as before, just be brave and wait for it to be over
let your mind stay free!
My body grabbed my mind
dragged it back to reality.
Just like pressing rewind.
Right into where I didn't want to be.
made me look at it, made me pay attention to it and it made me feel him
He didn't care.
He never did.
But normally I didn't either.
This time i felt like ****.
I was in pain.
All I felt was hate and shame
Hate towards myself
towards that man that was to blame.
*I am so ashamed of myself because I never bothered about what my body was going through. Now I am convinced that I will never open it again. I will never let anyone give me a reason to do so. It has to stop
