why is it so hard to see you? i crumble and i croak hopeful words dance at the back of my throat now i’m hopeless now i’m in a mess of you or her or him or me it’s like moving to a new country and getting the hang of their weird plastic currency and why the **** is talking to you so hard? i tumble and i frizzle a glass smashed into shards aggravation takes me over because anxiety takes me over because suppression takes me over because i want ******* control over ******* everything i want to ******* know what i’m ******* doing what i’m ******* thinking i tremble and i palpitate the thirst never sedates like a lion ******* blood or a needle weaving thread so much to go around too much to go around i’m not sure how to go about underwater is where i wish i was underwater, everything is muted everything is calmer and resentments are diluted i long to feel less polluted i long to feel less consumed by that and this and all the ******* frolicking **** it pulls and tears and rips in shears still standing there i am still standing there why the **** am i still standing there here like a fish suffocating in air like a statue stands with a smile it can’t wipe off i sweat under smiles i want to wipe it off i want to turn it off why won’t i just ******* take it off? why is it so hard to know who you are? seeing a glimpse of a break down is making me stick around for you do you still want me to stick around for you? i crush and i tamper with anything i can get my hands all over it really doesn’t matter what or who or how hard i hit cause nothing is good enough for this ******* *****