I want to be happy.
I really do.
I try to do the things that make me happy.
I eat my favorite foods.
I visit my favorite places.
I talk to my favorite friends.
I even try to meet new strangers.
I drink sometimes, but its not a problem.
I just want to be happy.
I put on a smile and I don't know why.
I don't feel anything.

I never feel anything.

I feel cold.
I feel numb.
I feel alone.

I am cold.
I am numb.
I am alone.

I look around and see a circle.
I see a small circle around me and the rest of the world.
I look around at the rest of the world and see...
I see blank faces.
I see smiles of empty sorrow.
I see laughter of hollow bones.

I see pain.
I see suffering.
I see hurt.

I'm blind to joy.
I'm blind to love.
I'm blind to happiness.

I'm blind to life.

I want to be heard.
I want to be freed.
I want to be. Loved.

I must be heard.
I must be freed.
I must be loved.

I have to be...
I wonder why else would I be here.

I wonder who would put me in this world to be nothing.

I wonder how I can love again.

I wonder where do I go from here.


I stare at the blank wall in front of me.
I picture a face of white.
I see the shapes shift and warp in and out of my perception.
I don't feel happy.
I don't feel.

I can't help but wonder...

I hear a knock at the door.
--
There was a sound.
There was a knock.

There was a girl.
There was shock.

There was a spark.
There was a park.
There was a dog.
There was a jog.

There she sat.
There I stayed.
There we kissed.
There I prayed.
There I swore, to always love.

There was the door.
There was the bed.
There was me in my head.
There was confusion.
There was suspicion.

There was her hand.

That made it all go away.
--
Looking back on it now.
I can still feel her warmth.

I loved her.
I really did.

She made me feel alive.
She made me feel again.

But I couldn't get rid of it.
The feeling.
Of nothing.
Of empty.
Of void.

Of sorrow.

I tried to make it better.
I tried to say I love you more.
I tried to be happy.

But I just couldn't.

I don't know what's wrong with me.
I didn't know.
I swear I didn't know.

There was... a light.
There was a... fight.
There... was.

I swear there was.

I want to believe I loved her.

I want to believe she meant something to me.

But I can't.

I can't lie to myself.
I have never felt, never will feel.
Again.

I loved her.
I loved her so much that I had to be with her forever.

It didn't matter how.
It didn't matter that the rent was due.
It didn't matter that we would be kicked out.
It didn't matter that I wasn't eating.
It didn't matter that she wasn't happy.

It only mattered that she was with me.
It only mattered that she stayed.

But don't worry.
She won't ever leave.
Again.

I want to be happy.
I really do.
I try to do the things that make me happy.
I eat my favorite foods.
I visit my favorite places.
I talk to my favorite freinds.
I even try to meet new strangers.
I even try to meet new strangers.
I just want to be happy.



I just want. To be happy is to die.

I love you.

Now you can stay here forever,
No matter how, No matter why.

You'll always be beatiful to me.

Dead or not.