Here are a few questions to help you reflect.

Searching:
Are you searching for proof? Proof of what?
Are you searching for ways to either hurt or help me?
What are you looking for?
Desiring:
Do you desire pleasure?
Do you desire revulsion? Is this to counteract your unconscious enjoyment?
What do you want from this experience?
Me:
How well do you think you know me? Have we ever met?
Do you think I'm the perfect victim or the world's worst victim?
Do you refuse to see me as either a human being or a victim? If so, why? Is it to deny me agency and thus further victimize me? If so, what do you think of the fact that you owe your ability to do so to me, since I'm the one who took a risk and made myself vulnerable in the first place?
Do you hate me? If so, how does it feel to hate me?