Jan 2018
What a mystery
Of how one can find themselves stepping in mud without ever knowing the mud was on their boots.
Only knowing after they step in the house and mother yells at them for the trail that they've left behind.
She yells for the cookie crumbs on your thighs, and for those nights you come home half alive.
She loves you so much, so she must keep scrubbing the floor with her blouse to rid it of your existence. She lathers her hands and places them on each point of your resistance.
She will crochet herself to your heart, no matter how hard you're falling apart.
She will yell and scream and throw things at your head, all the while you're wishing you were dead.
So you go to sleep with self distractive lullabies, only to tune out your own lies. YOUR LIFE IS FINE. DONT YOU DARE LIE.
Most nights You find your self making playlists for sleep just to hear someone's voice that's not your own that's broken and weak.
Their words fill your bones making you feel less alone.
But there you go again, getting jealous of the happy breaking rules, breaking your own skin, now the music can no longer spin.
Later you hear someone say water cleanses the soul so you dunk yourself in it till your oxygen deprived bones starts stall.
You'll wake up tomorrow felling no sheet around with your numb fingertips. You'll be trapped by the weights of your failures.
You failed.
Your eyes will be red and puffy from the drops of last nights last hope.
That was your last chance and you even ******* that up.
You'll sit at your desk like normal knowing the things that you have done.
You'll pinch yourself so hard that your fingers will bleed
but just **** on the blood so it'll go back to your bloodstream , that's what you need.
I might have iron in my blood, but I'll never be strong enough to get up, take my first step, and leave the dark hole that I was thrown in. I want to watch as the blood leaves my veins while the water seeps into my skin.
Im cleansing myself.
It doesn't seem to help.
Nothing ever helps.
Nothing ever will.
Goodbye world, this is the last chance for me. No more fighting an up hill battle. Only white flags and shark infested waters. Goodbye cruel, cruel world.
I hope I never see you again.
Sincerely- ms nothing.
Of how one can find themselves stepping in mud without ever knowing the mud was on their boots.
Only knowing after they step in the house and mother yells at them for the trail that they've left behind.
She yells for the cookie crumbs on your thighs, and for those nights you come home half alive.
She loves you so much, so she must keep scrubbing the floor with her blouse to rid it of your existence. She lathers her hands and places them on each point of your resistance.
She will crochet herself to your heart, no matter how hard you're falling apart.
She will yell and scream and throw things at your head, all the while you're wishing you were dead.
So you go to sleep with self distractive lullabies, only to tune out your own lies. YOUR LIFE IS FINE. DONT YOU DARE LIE.
Most nights You find your self making playlists for sleep just to hear someone's voice that's not your own that's broken and weak.
Their words fill your bones making you feel less alone.
But there you go again, getting jealous of the happy breaking rules, breaking your own skin, now the music can no longer spin.
Later you hear someone say water cleanses the soul so you dunk yourself in it till your oxygen deprived bones starts stall.
You'll wake up tomorrow felling no sheet around with your numb fingertips. You'll be trapped by the weights of your failures.
You failed.
Your eyes will be red and puffy from the drops of last nights last hope.
That was your last chance and you even ******* that up.
You'll sit at your desk like normal knowing the things that you have done.
You'll pinch yourself so hard that your fingers will bleed
but just **** on the blood so it'll go back to your bloodstream , that's what you need.
I might have iron in my blood, but I'll never be strong enough to get up, take my first step, and leave the dark hole that I was thrown in. I want to watch as the blood leaves my veins while the water seeps into my skin.
Im cleansing myself.
It doesn't seem to help.
Nothing ever helps.
Nothing ever will.
Goodbye world, this is the last chance for me. No more fighting an up hill battle. Only white flags and shark infested waters. Goodbye cruel, cruel world.
I hope I never see you again.
Sincerely- ms nothing.
