list of things that keep me up at night:

one, her

i think about all the times i just wanted to grab her face and kiss her and i didn't. i was scared to.

i think about what ifs and could've beens that keep me tossing and turning like the insomniac i am.

but the love i felt for her was something different, something that was real. i loved her. no. i love her now, even some odd two hundred miles apart from her, i still love her.

my heart skips a beat when i say her name out loud to myself, so i say it often, and proudly, because what we had was real and nobody can or will take it away from me.

i think about how i heard one time in a movie that the skin on your lips regenerates every two weeks and though i dont know if its true, its been more than two weeks and maybe my lips have forgotten her but i sure as hell havent.

i don't want to.

and its been said before in an obscure poem that if [she] spoke that insomnia might loosen its wholesome grip on my throat, and honestly i feel the same about her.

but maybe it is time to move on now

two, other things
i constantly say i'm okay with dying when in reality i am very afraid to die. mostly because i'm not sure i've done everything in this life that i can.
maybe what i really want is to just not exist for a while.

and i think about how i have these memories of running into rose bushes on bicycles and staying up all night talking to strangers in houses not my own.

i can still feel the pain from the first time my heart broke. it healed and left a scar, and was ripped apart at the seams when i moved.

and then that one memory resurfaces and i want to break down and cry and all i can think or say is "i'm sorry" repeated like a broken record.

imsorryimsorryimsorryimsorryimstillinlovewithyouandiamso­sorry

and then, sometimes when i cant bear my own thoughts any longer,

i call up a friend and when our fading voices and last bits of laughter pull the sun up high

high into the sky and i

i breathe.
i lay my head down and close my eyes,

and finally,

               i sleep.